manufacturing expectations and the lack of standards..

I realize this is gonna be a petty complaint..but it kinda comes down to expectations in a brand name...and really expectation in a product type in general for a moderately priced (not the highest, but definitely not the cheap stuff) product.

We bought a new collar for our dog at the same time we got the halter & lease for Ebby. Everything is of the same brand and frankly I'm thrilled with the halter & leash. Ebby steps willingly into the halter so everything works out. The collar needed replacing cuz her old one was like 9-10 yrs old. Unfortunately, she's been itching at the collar, regardless how loose we keep it. I ran my fingers along the inside of it and realized because the stitching method included doubling the clothe the hold one of the plastic pieces, it formed an incredibly itchy, stiff section that lays right up against her neck. The section requires so many stitches because it is so heavy duty, there really is no way to correct it. We can probably lessen the impact by adding duct tape to the area, but its frustrating because we shouldn't need to modify the collar just so the dog could comfortably wear it. It makes me wonder if it had really gone thru QA testing because I felt the problem as soon as I ran my finger along the inside of the collar.

Oh well.. Thankfully, we can keep it loose since I use the halter to take her for walks and the collar is just to hold her tags. :-)  and make her feel more comfy..she hates not having her collar on...don't know if that's cuz she feels she's not ours or what XD

life's spectator

I think I've been sliding down further and further with my ability to recall tasks and my ability to cope with simple decisions and even small crowds of unknown people.. 

The whole situation has had me really thinking about the past and how things have been pre & post Dx. I've come to the realization that my *early* years are _relatively_ clear to me..what I remember from those yrs, I remember things like how I felt, what was going on, etc.. like it was my life. Past about maybe 6th or 7th grade, until my early-mid twenties, my memories are more like a first person movie. What memories I have (and these are hard to pull up) have no real emotion attached to them. It's as if I can't see these events as things I did, or even could have done (not sure why). I know I did these things, but when I can recall them, its like watching it thru someone else's eyes as they go thru the motions of living that life...I don't get access to thoughts, feelings, emotions (even tho technically its suppose to be me)..its just a window, a viewscreen to the action. 

I know how odd and really messed up this sounds--even reading it as I type it sounds like a mental breakdown to me. even tho I'm well past the worst of it, its still hard to connect to memories as anything more than just something I'm seeing that might have been an old movie or tv show. Even some of the stuff that I firmly remember from the past as being from 'my' life, has been questioned by others and dismissed as dreams and fantasies. This makes it even harder than to recall what goes on around me and know that what I see in my mind is actually a memory of my life (especially when it doesn't have any kind of emotional attachment) or if it was something I imagined, saw on tv, etc... 

It's frustrating because on an intellectual lvl I know all of this is a vicious downward circle --I doubt, so I withdraw more, which makes me doubt my mental abilities more, which makes me panic, which makes me withdraw, and down I go...but those who were around me at the times I question are the ones telling me I'm completely wrong, but the ones I trust the most are the ones telling me I'm probably right...   

I think my sanity is safer as a spectator to my life

blech dreams

I wish I was one of those who didn't dream.

The past few? (maybe many.. don't recall) nights I've having these really weird short dreams after which I'll semi-wake, change position, then fall back asleep. Some of the dreams are just weird: like me lease walking an itty-bitty black kitten everywhere. Others are more gross/disturbing weird: I'm a cop whose after the creator of a drug that turns people into zombie (kills em, brings em back) and I'm about to be eaten by one of the zombies. Then there's those that I can't break out of: the ones that are too realistic - being chased and detained by a corrupt official (or just some stranger in my house) & being unable to make myself heard as I'm calling out for help.  Needless to say.. it has all added up to a string of crappy nights and tired mornings..today being the worst.

SUCCESS!! sorta kinda if measured in baby steps

Today I took Ebby for a walk down to the corner of the street and back - I think we once estimated it as close to .5 mile total. About a month ago, I got a rollator and that has made walking any kind of distance A LOT easier...I haven't needed to stare down as my feet as much, I don't need to worry as much about veering off course, it helps my balance. The only problem I came after getting it was trying to walk the dog still. Both of us needed the exercise. Even tho we have a decent sized fenced in yard - she doesn't like running around in it w/out someone else and she doesn't like playing ball or frisbee (she looks at you like its beneath her)

Last night, however, Matt & I went "school clothes shopping" at Petsmart. We got her one of those harnesses that wouldn't pull on her neck (honestly, I'd been thinking about one of those anyways for a while..she's too curious and pulls hard at the lease). We also exchanged the extender leash, which was getting caught in the little joints & stuff, for a thicker, (but still longish) rope-like leash that I could loop over the front of the rollator. This kept my hands free, it didn't pull on one side of the walker when she moved, but still gave a little bit of length for her to investigate the sides of the sidewalk.

Ebony was such a fabulous dog on the walk and adapted to the new stuff quite quickly..for the most part, she stayed to the front of the rollator, and when she began to stray too much all I needed to do was call "Ebby, sidewalk" and she'd usually trot right back in front of me. A few times I had to walk past her and it took the tug of the leash on her back to get her moving again, but she'd get right back up front.

I'm so happy we've figured out how to keep including the dog in my morning walks -they'd be so boring otherwise. And I'm SO proud of Ebby for cooperating and adapting so our solution is actually a workable solution.

my political views...at this moment anyway

this is more a rant than anything else... part of the reason I refuse to declare Dem, Rep, etc is cuz frankly none of them are getting it right and none of them stick to what they say they're gonna do.. I vote for the one that seems like (s)he has the best ideals and possibly may do the best for the country (hopefully)

at this point, tho I think we have successfully managed to shove our heads so far up our asses we aren't seeing just how much the rest of the world looks down on us. Please don't think I'm anti-America.. I'm not... I love this country.. my views are that we don't need to have "a hand in" the change of every other country, regardless if that change is to democracy or not. Nor do we need to KEEP a hand in other countries --we have enough problems here.

Besides which..we are so focused on making everyone like the US, we don't realize that the people in power are that was because they will do ANYTHING. In other words - they are petty tyrants who are bent on keeping what they have at all costs. The American govt. acts like they will respond like any other reasonable entity. In order to understand someone like that, you need to be able to think like they do, not just do the minimal wrist slap or treat them like a playground bully while giving them the opportunity to come back with a bigger "bat" next time. In my opinion, the US would succeed better in foreign policy if we kept in mind we are dealing with high level petty tyrants for the most part who will stoop to new lows and stop at nothing to retain power.

I'm not saying our country's government is perfect - far from it... they have done many things that I (atleast) am not proud of and makes me want to cringe when people mention it. They have had their ups and downs... I know its probably not fair of me to compare all of this since I haven't actually experienced the other governments or anything (which is why I also say this is my view at the moment..I may experience something later that could change my world) but I know the intent at the start of the country's government was for a freer nation--whether or not it stayed that way.

Maybe the initial intent of the governments we are currently at odds with were better...after all power corrupts

memories

Today was harder than I thought it would be...

I'm not sure why...well... I have ideas, but they might just be the random mumblings of a stressed, tired mind that is sick of everything and just wants to stop thinking for a long while until it can heal again..

I knew so few people.. that wasn't the terrible part. Mother didn't recognize or know many of the more distant branches or the family tree (& I'm not talking miles). It was held at my aunt's house, which is on the property of my childhood home....

I had a good childhood... don't get me wrong... talking about the stupid/insane things I/the pets did in the past should have been humorous...not sad or tear invoking...I shouldn't have been so devastated as Dad helped me walk from the large rock where I sat with my dog, down the driveway where I remember finding a plastic horse figurine while still at a hand holding age (3-5?) days before they paved it. I remember all these stupid little tidbits of my past, but I look at things from my life now and I feel like I'm forgetting more and more of the present when I'm reminded of more and more of the past..... I know that makes no sense, but the old resurfaces easier sometimes, or it replaced the new stuff if I've been recently reminded I suppose... IDK

anticipation? anxiety?

Nearing the 120 day mark for the SSID decision. Just got a letter in the mail from them asking me to come in & bring someone w/ me who can assist/handle financial matters for me. I hate making assumptions, but it sounds favorable... but it still makes me get panic moths (I don't call them butterflies..it's too cute & cuddly sounding) in my tummy..

On top of that, (not sure if this will be good or bad) I'm going for 3 weeks to NY for my girl's horse competition... she qualified to take all these riding lessons in basically all the various competition areas from top instructors at the NY State Fair and then her team competes in the drill team competition held on the last couple days. Unfortunately, that also means spending that time w/ the parents & defusing any situations they try to put me in or anything they try to get me to do... I love them, but there's a reason we don't live closer together. Some personalities don't mesh well....and I'm not blameless, either...but there's also a family reunion and many of these people I haven't seen for YEARS, so I'm happy about that, but I'm so  dreading the "what happened to you?" questions when they see me walking slow and weaving and esp. now that I'm getting a rollator to help me for outdoor stuff or large area places (malls, etc)

It just seems like everything good comes with some sort of bad (even if it's just my overactive, psychotic, anxious brain providing it)... I know that's life... I'm honestly not some naive little girl... but I'd really like to have just some good and skip the bad (and be able to trust that its okay, and not get the panic moths making mincemeat out of my insides) XP