More (slightly less) realistic dreams

  Last night I had a rather disturbing dream that some people showed up and tried to forcefully claim Ebony as their lost dog. Since she was brought in by Animal Control to the vet office where I was working (like 8 or 9 yrs ago, in OH) it was always possible that someone would claim her from the vet's when we said we 'found' a dog...especially since her breed is kinda pricey and the vets are pretty certain she's pure bred (frankly, I don't care, & she's spayed now anyway so it doesn't matter). I spent the entire dream screaming at people to go away and leave my dog alone. or running w/ a 13 lb shivering black, ball of fur in my arms cuz she was terrified of all the noise and strangers trying to grab her.

  The second dream involved a group session w/ a neurologist who kept talking about fresh air and holding the session outside & when I said that I'm cold & that it's cold outside, he begins almost yelling at me for not liking fresh air and sunlight, etc.  He won't believe me when I say that I can't take the cold and have a very hard time staying warm even with blankets and tons of clothes. We begin an argument about the fact that its actually the cold, not the "fresh air" as he puts it, that I can't deal with. Even the others in the group session were ganging up on me about the whole going out in the cold cuz the fresh air is good. That dream just felt like one big fight..most of it with a dr who wouldn't believe a word I said  =(

goodbye aunt

  My aunt died today. She'd been suffering from lung cancer which spread for yrs. The chemo had been hell on her, but the stubborn old bitch (she'd accept that happily & with a smile) held on to her freedom & control as long as she could. Growing up, she was someone I looked up to, wanted to be, & one we ALL called perhaps the most saint-like person we knew (atleast out of the family): she looked for that silver-lining in everything and everyone & she seemed to be the calmest out of the family..which for a clan of Irish/Germans, is saying a lot.

   Not saying she didn't have her faults..as I said - stubborn - we all are. She only just stopped smoking the most recent time she was rushed to the ER for liquid in the lungs & surrounding the heart. Very old school & didn't "entirely" believe smoking caused cancer, & even if it did, she'd been smoking for so long she refused to change now..blah, blah, blah (stubborn). But inside that crotchety, she-dog was a heart of gold. She would have sacrificed anything for family, neighbors, friends, or even someone she saw in need.

   Now that my aunt is gone, I'm not sure what to feel or what I'm feeling...  I'm sad. I truly am. But every time I heard about the pain the next wave of chemo caused or how long she needed to stay in the hospital from some problem, it made me feel sick...she & I were close.. I used to visit & we'd stay up late just chatting. She didn't like doctors. She was strong, independent & the thought of needing others for the little things was just as off-putting to her as it was to me. She was refusing pain meds because they made her too fuzzy to think & unfortunately, the cancer had spread to her lymph-nodes. I believe she also had the start of CHF, or maybe just pneumonia, not sure since I'm here in TX & she's back in OH. I just know the drs weren't able to do anything more for her. I think I'm...not exactly..happy...it eases something in my mind that she won't go thru the pain & suffering or the sickness anymore.
and then that makes me happy for me cuz then I don't have to feel painful emotions & suffering about her & her situation...then I feel guilty that I feel relieved I won't hear about her sufferings so I won't feel terrible & the whole thing just kinda cycles round again & I end up feeling like a terrible person

But to close my thoughts:  here's a glass of the finest (or perhaps mug, I believe she was always more fond of beer or ale)   There's another Irish lass carousing up in Heaven tonight.

my adorably stupid, but loyal kitty

I love my cat. For as much as I mock her or anything else..I'm glad I adopted her. I'm equally glad I (we) adopted the others as well, but Xanadu is my cat.

To be honest, tho, she's a bit...off. We've tried to point this out to the vets, but they don't see it; if you look at her from a distance, its noticeable that she has a slightly lazy eye. I don't think she sees really well, either that or she doesn't really try. She walks into walls on purpose...she'll brush up against it, then turn her head directly into it and <slam> I don't know if she thinks something will open (she bounced a partially closed door open at my parent's house once)

The other morning, since both Matt and I were up, we both fed the animals together. They're used to just one of us, so essentially one specie at a time (cats then dog). I grabbed Ebony's bowl so she didn't have to 'stay' so long while Matt set the cats' bowls down in the other room. Xan, however decided to follow whatever bowl I grabbed and head for that. She's following me,  I'm trying to put the dog bowl down, Matt's in the other rm calling her, I'm telling her to go, Ebby is laying behind her fidgeting cuz it looks like that cat is gonna go for her kibbles, & Xan is looking up at me w/ the bowl excitedly waiting for me to put her food in the wrong spot...we picked where we were feeding each animal when we first moved in a yr ago and it hasn't changed..but obviously, if it was me putting down the food bowl, to Xan, it was hers. ^_^

It's either that or since Midnight and Xan switch bowls all the time, she figured it was fine for her to switch w/ the dog. 'Sides, all the bowls have fish oil (atleast of some type). So she'd rather deal with the person she likes (still don't know why she fears/distrusts Matt so much). In any case..it was kinda sweet & cute, but still more evidence of her...slow thinking

No sleep for the dreamer

IDK..I didn't think the last few days had been all that stressful or anything on me (atleast no more than the norm) Granted, right now we're dealing with what I 'think' is some early Texas winter (could be wrong cuz this is my first winter down here, but I thought it happened more towards Dec.)..either way, its cool (cold to me) greyer than I've been used to down here (more like back in OH) and damp..all of which is making me achey and slow-moving, and it has a similar effect with my thinking...just seems like the O2 and blood flow just doesn't get moving quick enough to keep the thoughts flowing..it leaves me feeling thick-minded, dull witted, etc...

Think it all accumulated in a craptacular dream last night of my mother berating me of a list of failures, fictional but with an initial basis in fact and blown way out of proportion like never contacting them, never remember something or misspelling something all the time, then it went in to how berating choices I've made and how she thinks they're wrong, childish and I should grow up and do things her way...again..things way out of proportion and magnified of stuff we've talked about in the past.

When I managed to wake from that, I tried to fall back to sleep for a little while more and instead my mind decided to start re-rolling episodes of the few times I was written up at my position at the hotel and how, honestly, there were no reasons for it...I had bent over backwards to help a guest, but because I was the senior staff, I dealt with the person the most so it was my name she had..i.e. I was the fall guy and the new management (who wasn't even there during that person's stay) wouldn't accept anything but the lady's side. A person seeing me talk with my hands (gesturing, etc) to a coworker reported me as threatening to a supervisor - the person doing the reporting was 30 or so ft away...management didn't care that the coworker and I were conversing softly about the coworker's use of cuss words at the desk..I got written up for threatening the coworker....

These things shouldn't haunt me...they're old things, done, don't matter, but I'm my own worse enemy..I know it. I get upset with myself when something goes wrong, even if it was unavoidable and I don't let myself "off the hook" for those mistakes..even if its only in my head, I keep trying to fix the wrongs or the perceived wrongs, to make everything come out perfect. Its the curse of the 'what ifs'..'or 'what if I had's. Once I start circling and questioning one thing it is so easy to jump to the next topic and then the next until I end up all the way back to the earliest memory I can dredge up from the past (and its amazing how the "mistake" memories seem to be the easiest for me to recall - hubby theorized its cuz of heightened emotion [I think])

I try to keep everything calm with relaxed breathing and stuff like that..trying to keep my mind blank or focusing on good things. I'm not very good at it yet and I find my mind wandering and resting to dwell on the latest thing that went wrong or the newest stress (like something that needs repaired/replaced) or the lated thing I had an anxiety attack about. I'm hoping the new yoga class I'm starting next week will help some..I know the walking up to the cluster of mailboxes helps a little but its starting to become too miserable to spend too much time outside :-/

Monsters all around and deep in my head

It occurred to me this morning - sometimes it takes a long time - puppy dog is quickly becoming a surrogate for the nightly "monster watchers". As a kid, I was incredibly terrified of monsters under the bed, closet, etc..(I blame my bro for some pranks & me for an exceedingly overactive imagination & the house which had old flooring, water heating pipes, and other things that made horrific sounds). So I would line myself with stuffed animals - literally, inc at feet & head - every night before I felt safe enough to sleep because their eyes were always open so always watchful (yes, creepy, but it made me feel comfortable)

Since the move and we let Ebbs come sleep in the rm (bed), she's taken up alternating either nightly or thru the night various positions around me (e.g. up against my back, across my feet). I know she doesn't understand what she's doing for me and while I don't fear the 'monster under the bed' anymore ('sides, I have Matt to protect me too ^_^) Instead, I just have the MonSter in my life to contend with and all the things it brings along. Feeling her solid lump of a body press up against me is quite calming as I'm falling asleep...I know it should be the hubby's place to do that, but unfortunately, I sleep under a heated blanket, as well as emit TONS of body heat (I know.. tmi) and Matt get's easily overheated... its a win-win that Ebbby will lay against me.

manufacturing blah blah yada yada... update

We got the puppy (term used loosely for the 10yr old, grey muzzled doggie) a new collar and when we went switch them out, we realized the other one, or her claws, had rubbed a bald spot on her neck where the itchiest part of the old collar had lain. So... we left her neck bare for a number of day & kept the house well lit (stupid black stealth dog) in hopes that the irritation atleast would subside.

Thankfully, today, when we woke up I felt her fussing at her neck (she usually lays pushed up against me in the bed and last night she was at the small of my back). I stopped her from scratching at it and saw a downy cover of light greyish-black fur over the spot. She might not get her rich, thick black coat back over that spot, but its atleast on the mend and Matt and I made sure her new collar is smooth all the way around -- we stood in the store running our fingers over almost every collar in the correct size trying to find one that wouldn't cause a similar problem and debating back and forth over what we could or couldn't feel  o_O

I hope dog appreciates the time and effort we take to make sure she's comfortable and healthy lol   :-P

manufacturing expectations and the lack of standards..

I realize this is gonna be a petty complaint..but it kinda comes down to expectations in a brand name...and really expectation in a product type in general for a moderately priced (not the highest, but definitely not the cheap stuff) product.

We bought a new collar for our dog at the same time we got the halter & lease for Ebby. Everything is of the same brand and frankly I'm thrilled with the halter & leash. Ebby steps willingly into the halter so everything works out. The collar needed replacing cuz her old one was like 9-10 yrs old. Unfortunately, she's been itching at the collar, regardless how loose we keep it. I ran my fingers along the inside of it and realized because the stitching method included doubling the clothe the hold one of the plastic pieces, it formed an incredibly itchy, stiff section that lays right up against her neck. The section requires so many stitches because it is so heavy duty, there really is no way to correct it. We can probably lessen the impact by adding duct tape to the area, but its frustrating because we shouldn't need to modify the collar just so the dog could comfortably wear it. It makes me wonder if it had really gone thru QA testing because I felt the problem as soon as I ran my finger along the inside of the collar.

Oh well.. Thankfully, we can keep it loose since I use the halter to take her for walks and the collar is just to hold her tags. :-)  and make her feel more comfy..she hates not having her collar on...don't know if that's cuz she feels she's not ours or what XD