A dog's life

I never thought my dog would be having trouble with the stairs before me...

Yeah...I've lived with animals all my life, I realize they age faster, don't have as long of life spans and all the other BS people usually bring up at a time like this (including the fact that her muzzle is almost completely grey) but still, she runs around the house like a puppy so much of the time that its easy to forget that she's 10 or so (rescue, so we don't actually know the age..or the med back ground) and she's been such a solid rock for me...cuddling when I feel icky, staying with me when I don't feel like getting out of bed...all to the point where she'll just sit on the couch with a paw on my arm while we watch tv...nothing else, so long as there's the little contact sometimes.

Now, both hubby and I have watched multiple times when she has started to run up the stairs to the back door, and slipped-slamming her muzzle into the stairs above. She bounces right back up like nothing occurred, but we (I) think she may have knocked some of her lower front teeth loose. A) her eating habits have changed, and B) I found they were loose when I noticed grabbing for one of her bones made her wince and slamming (repeatedly) into the steps, like we've unfortunately seen, is all I can think of for the cause... I feel terrible cuz I never really thought much of it cuz of how quickly she bounced up and continued up the stairs. But she never was one to overtly show what was bothering her. (e.g. there wasn't enough water in her bowel, so she wouldn't eat or drink, but instead stare at the door until water was poured, also wouldn't go out if the door was opened--that one took a bit to figure out).  Hubby says she plays these games with me cuz I allow her and spoil her..and he's probably right. But I figure she put up with me all day babbling to her, she deserves something for it ^_^

Back to the original point...Hubby had hesitated briefly buying this house cuz of the stairs getting to the backyard and my ability to deal with stairs now and in the upcoming yrs. I can atleast hold on the railings...puppy dog should be more steady with her 4 feet, but if they're slipping out from under her even worse than mine...well..it just really brings home how old she's getting, whether or not she's bouncing right back up...Last night, Hubby even brought up the possibility of a ramp for the dog to aide getting up and down the stairs...don't know if it was serious or in jest...but I hate the idea of my dog getting old and needing stuff like that even before me..the one with a disorder that tends to lead to "home improvements" like ramps, etc

Gah...this probably sounds completely unreasonable, and weird...I think it goes back to the idea of "I'd rather it were me". I can't stand to see her suffer even a bad nail cut, plus how do you explain this kind of stuff to your best canine friend?

So many holes

I recently met with a nurse practitioner for an expected Dx of a sinus infection--get them all the time, if I had a degree, I could be diagnosing myself, but..oh well. The shocker came when she looked in my one ear and told me I had a huge hole worn away in my ear drum. Now, to explain, I have a 'permanent' tube in that ear. Tho technically, by 'permanent', the dr really means that he hopes it stays in for about 5 yrs. atleast. Its anchored into bone instead of the typical-- just set into the tympanic membrane..but its still expected to be 'grown out of' (or something like that). I've had it since 2006...so well past the expected/hoped for 5 yrs. I can only assume the movement of the tube has something to do with the hole in my eardrum...I'm not sure since I haven't been to an ENT yet.

At this point I don't know if this new dr will want to simply remove the tube (the surgeon was from OH who put it in originally). It was placed to equalize pressure between the middle and outer ear more than for drainage so I don't know what he'll advise. Oh well..I'm just tired of having soo many extra holes in my head :-/

Stress, stress, and more stress

  Stress just keeps coming and I'm learning that my abilities to withstand it are decaying...fast; perhaps faster than I can shore them up. Now my mom wants me up in NY for a wk (atleast) around July 4th for a relatively big extended family reunion (reunion on 4th, stay w/ immediate family before & after).

  Love my family. But, getting up there from TX means a many hr flight with at least one, usually two connections depending on which airport I fly in to and then a couple hour drive to the small town where they live or walking across a tarmac and climbing into a smaller plane (which I'm fine with-the plane, not the stairs or the walking right now) if I fly into the closer airport. Honestly the entire idea of going to an airport alone (cuz hubby needs to work) and dealing with getting my walker thru security, shoes on and off, even if I don't have a carry on (which would mean either spending money at the airport or hrs of boring flight) & I don't do well in crowds.

   In addition..my family doesn't get that here..at home, for the most part I haven't really been more than maybe 20 feet away from Hubby or my puppy dog, Ebony unless I'm at the drs. for the last yr.  Ebby actually gets very anxious when I'm not home. When I go take a shower, she'll wait in the bedroom for me to emerge even if hubby is sitting in the living rm. So in addition to the absence being hard on me..I think it would be stressful on her as well, and she's not the young puppy I like pretending she is

    Now, I have the MAJOR stress of telling my mom I'm not coming up this yr and trying to get her to believe the reasons.. blech

puppy-like excitement

I think Ebony actually got to watch a squirrel and some birds from a relatively up-close position for the first time today. We've always had 'wildlife' in the area back in Ohio, but when she'd run out to see it, she's (of course) scare it all away. Today, she was sitting on an air mattress looking out of the one closed window and a squirrel came to rest on the lowest branches of a tree that was right outside. She couldn't take her eyes off of it once she'd come running to get me and I came back to sit with her. Then she noticed a bunch of cardinals (I think..I don't know my birds very well) hopping around in the bush right against the right side of the window. She was once again entranced by their movements...darting her head to match their jumps...With the window closed, the birds and squirrel had no idea she was watching them so she could watch to her hearts content. Her excitement over seeing them was SO cute...if I left to sit in the living room, she'd come running back out 10-15 min later with this eager look and urge me back to the window and if I looked in whatever direction she'd stare..I'd usually see a new critter or something.

curse of intelligence?

I know I blog a lot about my dog, but she's a big part of my life. My fabulous husband is my rock and shelter and partner and has been with me thru thick and thin. I couldn't ask for a greater guy. He's a great emotional, physical, financial, everything support. But my dog is my mental centering focus. She rarely leaves my side, sleeps at my feet and usually seems to react to my moods. Honestly, even tho she's 'technically' not licensed or trained as such (not that I'm sure that's even done or necessary), I still consider her my companion dog.

Right now, I think she's feeling depressed...today especially. She barely ate her breakfast (so odd for her). Yesterday, I fed her a little earlier in the evening than normal. When I told her to go lay down in the kitchen for supper, she just stared at me. She's never NOT excited over the words "kitchen" and "supper". Even if she's *just* eaten. It took a few urgings to get her to go to supper an hour early. Then, a little later, when I was putting my shoes on to leave for a bit, she just stared at me instead of bouncing around complaining (like she normally does).

Ebony is smart..even for a dog. I'm not just saying that cuz she's my dog the way mothers always say their baby is cute..I've had plenty of dogs that I will willingly say are dumber than a box of rocks, and that's even insulting the rocks to compare the dogs to them. Problem is, that intelligence, no matter how smart she gets or how much she observes or what we let her investigate (she's incredible curious about *everything* around her). she's still limited in just how intelligent she can become by physical, genetics, everything else. I realize this may be me just seeing things in her actions that aren't really there, but based on her actions toward the now-empty yard next door, the actions yesterday when I changed her routine by feeding her early then left 30 min. later and then her clinginess today... I honestly think she's truly depressed because she thinks things are changing around her.

In this instance the phrase "ignorance is bliss" seems most fitting cuz its kinda like when someone knows just enough about a topic to start a conversation, but not enough to continue it once the experts join in. I think the problem arises from the fact that she's smart enough to see the changes, but not quite capable of connecting the why or the fact that its a one time thing or that it happened to someone else and won't affect our little family.

Its probably good that I don't speak "dog" cuz my heart would break even more about all of this if I was sure that she was aware of how *little* she knew. When I worked with special needs people a few yrs ago, I could tell by the way they spoke and things they said that (atleast some of them) were aware of their limits..now that I'm experiencing  so many cognitive probs and declines with my knowledge lost somewhere in me (never to be found?) ...I'm understanding more and more their frustrations and fears as I see others understanding things I just can't...quite...grasp

More (slightly less) realistic dreams

  Last night I had a rather disturbing dream that some people showed up and tried to forcefully claim Ebony as their lost dog. Since she was brought in by Animal Control to the vet office where I was working (like 8 or 9 yrs ago, in OH) it was always possible that someone would claim her from the vet's when we said we 'found' a dog...especially since her breed is kinda pricey and the vets are pretty certain she's pure bred (frankly, I don't care, & she's spayed now anyway so it doesn't matter). I spent the entire dream screaming at people to go away and leave my dog alone. or running w/ a 13 lb shivering black, ball of fur in my arms cuz she was terrified of all the noise and strangers trying to grab her.

  The second dream involved a group session w/ a neurologist who kept talking about fresh air and holding the session outside & when I said that I'm cold & that it's cold outside, he begins almost yelling at me for not liking fresh air and sunlight, etc.  He won't believe me when I say that I can't take the cold and have a very hard time staying warm even with blankets and tons of clothes. We begin an argument about the fact that its actually the cold, not the "fresh air" as he puts it, that I can't deal with. Even the others in the group session were ganging up on me about the whole going out in the cold cuz the fresh air is good. That dream just felt like one big fight..most of it with a dr who wouldn't believe a word I said  =(

goodbye aunt

  My aunt died today. She'd been suffering from lung cancer which spread for yrs. The chemo had been hell on her, but the stubborn old bitch (she'd accept that happily & with a smile) held on to her freedom & control as long as she could. Growing up, she was someone I looked up to, wanted to be, & one we ALL called perhaps the most saint-like person we knew (atleast out of the family): she looked for that silver-lining in everything and everyone & she seemed to be the calmest out of the family..which for a clan of Irish/Germans, is saying a lot.

   Not saying she didn't have her faults..as I said - stubborn - we all are. She only just stopped smoking the most recent time she was rushed to the ER for liquid in the lungs & surrounding the heart. Very old school & didn't "entirely" believe smoking caused cancer, & even if it did, she'd been smoking for so long she refused to change now..blah, blah, blah (stubborn). But inside that crotchety, she-dog was a heart of gold. She would have sacrificed anything for family, neighbors, friends, or even someone she saw in need.

   Now that my aunt is gone, I'm not sure what to feel or what I'm feeling...  I'm sad. I truly am. But every time I heard about the pain the next wave of chemo caused or how long she needed to stay in the hospital from some problem, it made me feel sick...she & I were close.. I used to visit & we'd stay up late just chatting. She didn't like doctors. She was strong, independent & the thought of needing others for the little things was just as off-putting to her as it was to me. She was refusing pain meds because they made her too fuzzy to think & unfortunately, the cancer had spread to her lymph-nodes. I believe she also had the start of CHF, or maybe just pneumonia, not sure since I'm here in TX & she's back in OH. I just know the drs weren't able to do anything more for her. I think I'm...not exactly..happy...it eases something in my mind that she won't go thru the pain & suffering or the sickness anymore.
and then that makes me happy for me cuz then I don't have to feel painful emotions & suffering about her & her situation...then I feel guilty that I feel relieved I won't hear about her sufferings so I won't feel terrible & the whole thing just kinda cycles round again & I end up feeling like a terrible person

But to close my thoughts:  here's a glass of the finest (or perhaps mug, I believe she was always more fond of beer or ale)   There's another Irish lass carousing up in Heaven tonight.