IDK..I didn't think the last few days had been all that stressful
or anything on me (atleast no more than the norm) Granted, right now we're
dealing with what I 'think' is some early Texas winter (could be wrong cuz this
is my first winter down here, but I thought it happened more towards
Dec.)..either way, its cool (cold to me) greyer than I've been used to down
here (more like back in OH) and damp..all of which is making me achey and
slow-moving, and it has a similar effect with my thinking...just seems like the
O2 and blood flow just doesn't get moving quick enough to keep the thoughts
flowing..it leaves me feeling thick-minded, dull witted, etc...
Think it all accumulated in a craptacular
dream last night of my mother berating me of a list of failures, fictional but
with an initial basis in fact and blown way out of proportion like never
contacting them, never remember something or misspelling something all the
time, then it went in to how berating choices I've made and how she thinks
they're wrong, childish and I should grow up and do things her
way...again..things way out of proportion and magnified of stuff we've talked
about in the past.
When I managed to wake from that, I tried
to fall back to sleep for a little while more and instead my mind decided to
start re-rolling episodes of the few times I was written up at my position at
the hotel and how, honestly, there were no reasons for it...I had bent over
backwards to help a guest, but because I was the senior staff, I dealt with the
person the most so it was my name she had..i.e. I was the fall guy and the new
management (who wasn't even there during that person's stay) wouldn't accept
anything but the lady's side. A person seeing me talk with my hands (gesturing,
etc) to a coworker reported me as threatening to a supervisor - the person
doing the reporting was 30 or so ft away...management didn't care that the
coworker and I were conversing softly about the coworker's use of cuss words at
the desk..I got written up for threatening the coworker....
These things shouldn't haunt me...they're
old things, done, don't matter, but I'm my own worse enemy..I know it. I get
upset with myself when something goes wrong, even if it was unavoidable and I
don't let myself "off the hook" for those mistakes..even if its only
in my head, I keep trying to fix the wrongs or the perceived wrongs, to make
everything come out perfect. Its the curse of the 'what ifs'..'or 'what if I
had's. Once I start circling and questioning one thing it is so easy to jump to
the next topic and then the next until I end up all the way back to the
earliest memory I can dredge up from the past (and its amazing how the
"mistake" memories seem to be the easiest for me to recall - hubby
theorized its cuz of heightened emotion [I think])
I try to keep everything calm with relaxed
breathing and stuff like that..trying to keep my mind blank or focusing on good
things. I'm not very good at it yet and I find my mind wandering and resting to
dwell on the latest thing that went wrong or the newest stress (like something
that needs repaired/replaced) or the lated thing I had an anxiety attack about.
I'm hoping the new yoga class I'm starting next week will help some..I know the
walking up to the cluster of mailboxes helps a little but its starting to
become too miserable to spend too much time outside :-/
