my political views...at this moment anyway

this is more a rant than anything else... part of the reason I refuse to declare Dem, Rep, etc is cuz frankly none of them are getting it right and none of them stick to what they say they're gonna do.. I vote for the one that seems like (s)he has the best ideals and possibly may do the best for the country (hopefully)

at this point, tho I think we have successfully managed to shove our heads so far up our asses we aren't seeing just how much the rest of the world looks down on us. Please don't think I'm anti-America.. I'm not... I love this country.. my views are that we don't need to have "a hand in" the change of every other country, regardless if that change is to democracy or not. Nor do we need to KEEP a hand in other countries --we have enough problems here.

Besides which..we are so focused on making everyone like the US, we don't realize that the people in power are that was because they will do ANYTHING. In other words - they are petty tyrants who are bent on keeping what they have at all costs. The American govt. acts like they will respond like any other reasonable entity. In order to understand someone like that, you need to be able to think like they do, not just do the minimal wrist slap or treat them like a playground bully while giving them the opportunity to come back with a bigger "bat" next time. In my opinion, the US would succeed better in foreign policy if we kept in mind we are dealing with high level petty tyrants for the most part who will stoop to new lows and stop at nothing to retain power.

I'm not saying our country's government is perfect - far from it... they have done many things that I (atleast) am not proud of and makes me want to cringe when people mention it. They have had their ups and downs... I know its probably not fair of me to compare all of this since I haven't actually experienced the other governments or anything (which is why I also say this is my view at the moment..I may experience something later that could change my world) but I know the intent at the start of the country's government was for a freer nation--whether or not it stayed that way.

Maybe the initial intent of the governments we are currently at odds with were better...after all power corrupts

memories

Today was harder than I thought it would be...

I'm not sure why...well... I have ideas, but they might just be the random mumblings of a stressed, tired mind that is sick of everything and just wants to stop thinking for a long while until it can heal again..

I knew so few people.. that wasn't the terrible part. Mother didn't recognize or know many of the more distant branches or the family tree (& I'm not talking miles). It was held at my aunt's house, which is on the property of my childhood home....

I had a good childhood... don't get me wrong... talking about the stupid/insane things I/the pets did in the past should have been humorous...not sad or tear invoking...I shouldn't have been so devastated as Dad helped me walk from the large rock where I sat with my dog, down the driveway where I remember finding a plastic horse figurine while still at a hand holding age (3-5?) days before they paved it. I remember all these stupid little tidbits of my past, but I look at things from my life now and I feel like I'm forgetting more and more of the present when I'm reminded of more and more of the past..... I know that makes no sense, but the old resurfaces easier sometimes, or it replaced the new stuff if I've been recently reminded I suppose... IDK

anticipation? anxiety?

Nearing the 120 day mark for the SSID decision. Just got a letter in the mail from them asking me to come in & bring someone w/ me who can assist/handle financial matters for me. I hate making assumptions, but it sounds favorable... but it still makes me get panic moths (I don't call them butterflies..it's too cute & cuddly sounding) in my tummy..

On top of that, (not sure if this will be good or bad) I'm going for 3 weeks to NY for my girl's horse competition... she qualified to take all these riding lessons in basically all the various competition areas from top instructors at the NY State Fair and then her team competes in the drill team competition held on the last couple days. Unfortunately, that also means spending that time w/ the parents & defusing any situations they try to put me in or anything they try to get me to do... I love them, but there's a reason we don't live closer together. Some personalities don't mesh well....and I'm not blameless, either...but there's also a family reunion and many of these people I haven't seen for YEARS, so I'm happy about that, but I'm so  dreading the "what happened to you?" questions when they see me walking slow and weaving and esp. now that I'm getting a rollator to help me for outdoor stuff or large area places (malls, etc)

It just seems like everything good comes with some sort of bad (even if it's just my overactive, psychotic, anxious brain providing it)... I know that's life... I'm honestly not some naive little girl... but I'd really like to have just some good and skip the bad (and be able to trust that its okay, and not get the panic moths making mincemeat out of my insides) XP