The other day, I had Chinese..and of course..the obligatory
fortune cookie. It said something about
being patient cuz an even an egg will eventually walk (or something along those
lines). I laughed, cuz patience isn’t my strong suit. Matt focused on the fact
that eggs will never walk. I
immediately replied “Sheldon did” (remembering the character from the Garfield
& Friends cartoon from 1980s or early 1990s). <pause> <pause> “How does your brain work?!?!?”
obviously my statement was random enough that it took him a moment to figure
out who I might have been talking about =)
I honestly feel sorry for hubby cuz that type of shit
happens a lot where I’ll remember something so random, but half the time I flub
things like names of relatives, or even the names of my pets. At times, it
almost seems like the stuff from the past really wasn’t all that long ago…idk.
I would almost say it felt like I had Alzheimer’s instead of MS.. I know I don’t,
but with the way the present would slip away and the past would sneak back up,
but its only certain parts of now…and certain parts of then, usually with some
sort of trigger.
The worst part is that I can’t control what will be a
trigger or what it will call forth from my mind. I haven’t thought of that
Garfield cartoon in ages and specifically that character…he wasn’t even a main
character. I don’t like that my brain does this…some things will just be one
memory, but others will cascade into an entire grouping of memory after memory
after memory. Like everyone else, I’ve had my ups and downs thru life but there
have also been those parts I’d like to keep in the past. Being reminded anew of
something of things I’d essentially ‘forgotten’ or stopped acknowledging even
semi-regularly cuz it didn’t have any bearing on my quality of life essentially
tore old wounds open anew (even if I didn’t want it to)
I was contacted by an old ex from almost two decades. He
wanted forgiveness for essentially running out on me, leaving me looking like a
piranha, pariah, leech, bitch and many other unpleasant terms while he was
trying to be the innocent boy I took advantage of. His ‘demons’ had been
bothering him, so he wanted to apologize.
When he left, I was left with the mess of a life and poor reputation he left me in to deal with and clean up, while he just walked away. 17
years later, I have a fabulous girl and all the things that occurred back then
tucked into the past where it belongs. Now, memories of things that were said
and stuff people did come floating back at random times and knock me off
balance cuz I thought I had completely forgotten it & gotten past all of
it, but I’m finding that some of it still stings like it just happened. He
wanted forgiveness, but I realized I couldn’t give it…I was/am honestly upset
at him for coming back and reawakening things just to lay his demons to rest. At this point, I have trouble seeing repentance,
and just seeing selfishness. If I’m wrong, then I’m wrong..for now I’m back to
trying to figure out how to un-trigger unwanted memories
