My Stupid Smart Dog

I feel terrible for my dog sometimes. She’s smart. She comes from a smart breed..but also an exceedingly stubborn breed. I’m not a trainer, by any means, but I’ve even been told by others who ARE, that her breed is difficult because they are smart & stubborn, so I’m not imagining or exaggerating it.  However, even tho she’s smart, she’s not smart enough to understand when her routine changes…she just knows something is wrong and usually its that I have shoes on or ‘Dad’ put down her food instead of me, or even any other little thing missing from the house. She’ll panic: pace the living rm, won’t eat, and visibly trembles.

When we leave the house, we make sure to give Ebbs a special treat—one she doesn’t get at normal times like bed time or treat time, etc..in hopes to make her more focused on getting the treat instead of the fact we’re leaving. A few times, she’s only eaten half the treat until we’ve returned =/ and she’ll be sitting in the almost the same spot in the living rm when we walk thru the door as when we left. She’d grab it and run it over to me before laying down to eat the rest of the treat. When she gets really upset w/ us, tho, she’ll find a tissue and shred it in a neat little pile. She gets in trouble, of course, but to her..it was justified. The last time she _expressed_ her frustration..she actually was smart enough to tear up the plastic around the tissues in a pocket pack of Kleenex. We found the tissues still folded beside the torn up plastic (no joke..it was a mostly unused packet)

Ebbs will also frequently sit and ‘people watch’…its almost painful to watch the questioning confusion as she sees some of the things people do, then turn to me as if asking explanation. Matt thinks I imagine it all and attribute emotions to Ebbs that she doesn’t feel..Maybe I do, but I’ve spent all my life w/ animal companions being some of my closest friends (as sad as that is to say….) I’d like to think I’ve learned to read at least some of their body language…

Inception

  I loved the movie and the entire idea...but I didn't realize it must be my life on which the idea was loosely based..
dreams within dreams and somewhere finding the level of reality...is actually more confusing than the movie portray..its quite exhausting and frustrating as well. I start questioning what I've actually done, what was done in a dream, and what I was *really* intending to do (on my mind a lot). Its disturbing when I dream arguments that never really happened, but because I dream that I've 'woken up' my mind is unsettled and my sleep gets ruined.

It really sucks cuz the deep dreams are always graphic, weird..and just wrong. The next lvl up dreams..when I 'think' I'm awake.. aren't much better..but usually involves more arguments, bugs, laundry (piles), dishes (sink loads)..all real life crap..essentially stuff that wouldn't say "dream"..sure there is always something "off" about it, like the shape of the house, the the fact that I have multiple sinks full of dishes to clean, a terrible wardrobe, or something just as weird. Unfortunately, when I wake up in reality from a dream with a dream ...regardless that my "alarm" is a gentle song and the call of birds, it is still jarring - almost painful.

Looking in a mirror..its no wonder Matt looks at me frequently and says I look tired...why not? I might as well 'look' how I feel.. 'sides I spend days after days in each layer of my dream in addition to the hrs in real life. Too many times, I'm ready to go to bed shortly after I've left it =(

leave my head alone

The past few weeks have been... interesting... headaches will not stop plaguing me. but they aren't always the same type or intensity of headaches. Sometimes they are the ones I've so, lovingly called "ice cream" headaches. They feel like I just ate a ton of ice cream really fast (as the name suggests). Unfortunately, they aren't affected by any of the normal 'tricks' that usually help when cold items are eaten too quickly..e.g warming the roof of the mouth w/ tongue or drinking warm beverages. Then I have the ones that try to crunch my entire head inwards...like its trapped in a vice. A newer headache-ie "joy" is the feeling that something is searing the tissues of various areas of my sinus cavities...usually it will burn terribly for several minutes, then end with an overall headache that just is pressure forcing outward from everywhere...the area that burned will ache for quite awhile.

The latest, and maybe most worrisome..depending on what's causing it...is that I've been feeling the weirdness that was normally caused by a lack of meds. There have been a few times when things when completely FUBAR with one of my pharmacies or I miscalculated and ran out before a refill or new script was written. The only way I can think to describe it is sorta like the feeling one gets when going over a bump too fast..that belly flip..the stomach dropping out when going down a roller coaster..Only, I feel that in my head. When I was off the the meds, the flip flop feeling in my mind was constant. Right now...it comes and goes. I've checked my pill containers to make sure they have all the right meds. Matt has double checked them. I'm at a loss as to why I'm feeling things I'm not supposed to feel unless my meds are out.

I have an appointment tomorrow. Maybe my neuro will have some ideas..

How does your brain work?!?!?

The other day, I had Chinese..and of course..the obligatory fortune cookie.  It said something about being patient cuz an even an egg will eventually walk (or something along those lines). I laughed, cuz patience isn’t my strong suit. Matt focused on the fact that eggs will never walk. I immediately replied “Sheldon did” (remembering the character from the Garfield & Friends cartoon from 1980s or early 1990s). <pause> <pause> “How does your brain work?!?!?” obviously my statement was random enough that it took him a moment to figure out who I might have been talking about =)

I honestly feel sorry for hubby cuz that type of shit happens a lot where I’ll remember something so random, but half the time I flub things like names of relatives, or even the names of my pets. At times, it almost seems like the stuff from the past really wasn’t all that long ago…idk. I would almost say it felt like I had Alzheimer’s instead of MS.. I know I don’t, but with the way the present would slip away and the past would sneak back up, but its only certain parts of now…and certain parts of then, usually with some sort of trigger. 

The worst part is that I can’t control what will be a trigger or what it will call forth from my mind. I haven’t thought of that Garfield cartoon in ages and specifically that character…he wasn’t even a main character. I don’t like that my brain does this…some things will just be one memory, but others will cascade into an entire grouping of memory after memory after memory. Like everyone else, I’ve had my ups and downs thru life but there have also been those parts I’d like to keep in the past. Being reminded anew of something of things I’d essentially ‘forgotten’ or stopped acknowledging even semi-regularly cuz it didn’t have any bearing on my quality of life essentially tore old wounds open anew (even if I didn’t want it to)

I was contacted by an old ex from almost two decades. He wanted forgiveness for essentially running out on me, leaving me looking like a piranha, pariah, leech, bitch and many other unpleasant terms while he was trying to be the innocent boy I took advantage of. His ‘demons’ had been bothering him, so he wanted to apologize.

When he left, I was left with the mess of a life and poor reputation he left me in to deal with and clean up, while he just walked away. 17 years later, I have a fabulous girl and all the things that occurred back then tucked into the past where it belongs. Now, memories of things that were said and stuff people did come floating back at random times and knock me off balance cuz I thought I had completely forgotten it & gotten past all of it, but I’m finding that some of it still stings like it just happened. He wanted forgiveness, but I realized I couldn’t give it…I was/am honestly upset at him for coming back and reawakening things just to lay his demons to rest. At this point, I have trouble seeing repentance, and just seeing selfishness. If I’m wrong, then I’m wrong..for now I’m back to trying to figure out how to un-trigger unwanted memories

A dog's life

I never thought my dog would be having trouble with the stairs before me...

Yeah...I've lived with animals all my life, I realize they age faster, don't have as long of life spans and all the other BS people usually bring up at a time like this (including the fact that her muzzle is almost completely grey) but still, she runs around the house like a puppy so much of the time that its easy to forget that she's 10 or so (rescue, so we don't actually know the age..or the med back ground) and she's been such a solid rock for me...cuddling when I feel icky, staying with me when I don't feel like getting out of bed...all to the point where she'll just sit on the couch with a paw on my arm while we watch tv...nothing else, so long as there's the little contact sometimes.

Now, both hubby and I have watched multiple times when she has started to run up the stairs to the back door, and slipped-slamming her muzzle into the stairs above. She bounces right back up like nothing occurred, but we (I) think she may have knocked some of her lower front teeth loose. A) her eating habits have changed, and B) I found they were loose when I noticed grabbing for one of her bones made her wince and slamming (repeatedly) into the steps, like we've unfortunately seen, is all I can think of for the cause... I feel terrible cuz I never really thought much of it cuz of how quickly she bounced up and continued up the stairs. But she never was one to overtly show what was bothering her. (e.g. there wasn't enough water in her bowel, so she wouldn't eat or drink, but instead stare at the door until water was poured, also wouldn't go out if the door was opened--that one took a bit to figure out).  Hubby says she plays these games with me cuz I allow her and spoil her..and he's probably right. But I figure she put up with me all day babbling to her, she deserves something for it ^_^

Back to the original point...Hubby had hesitated briefly buying this house cuz of the stairs getting to the backyard and my ability to deal with stairs now and in the upcoming yrs. I can atleast hold on the railings...puppy dog should be more steady with her 4 feet, but if they're slipping out from under her even worse than mine...well..it just really brings home how old she's getting, whether or not she's bouncing right back up...Last night, Hubby even brought up the possibility of a ramp for the dog to aide getting up and down the stairs...don't know if it was serious or in jest...but I hate the idea of my dog getting old and needing stuff like that even before me..the one with a disorder that tends to lead to "home improvements" like ramps, etc

Gah...this probably sounds completely unreasonable, and weird...I think it goes back to the idea of "I'd rather it were me". I can't stand to see her suffer even a bad nail cut, plus how do you explain this kind of stuff to your best canine friend?

So many holes

I recently met with a nurse practitioner for an expected Dx of a sinus infection--get them all the time, if I had a degree, I could be diagnosing myself, but..oh well. The shocker came when she looked in my one ear and told me I had a huge hole worn away in my ear drum. Now, to explain, I have a 'permanent' tube in that ear. Tho technically, by 'permanent', the dr really means that he hopes it stays in for about 5 yrs. atleast. Its anchored into bone instead of the typical-- just set into the tympanic membrane..but its still expected to be 'grown out of' (or something like that). I've had it since 2006...so well past the expected/hoped for 5 yrs. I can only assume the movement of the tube has something to do with the hole in my eardrum...I'm not sure since I haven't been to an ENT yet.

At this point I don't know if this new dr will want to simply remove the tube (the surgeon was from OH who put it in originally). It was placed to equalize pressure between the middle and outer ear more than for drainage so I don't know what he'll advise. Oh well..I'm just tired of having soo many extra holes in my head :-/

Stress, stress, and more stress

  Stress just keeps coming and I'm learning that my abilities to withstand it are decaying...fast; perhaps faster than I can shore them up. Now my mom wants me up in NY for a wk (atleast) around July 4th for a relatively big extended family reunion (reunion on 4th, stay w/ immediate family before & after).

  Love my family. But, getting up there from TX means a many hr flight with at least one, usually two connections depending on which airport I fly in to and then a couple hour drive to the small town where they live or walking across a tarmac and climbing into a smaller plane (which I'm fine with-the plane, not the stairs or the walking right now) if I fly into the closer airport. Honestly the entire idea of going to an airport alone (cuz hubby needs to work) and dealing with getting my walker thru security, shoes on and off, even if I don't have a carry on (which would mean either spending money at the airport or hrs of boring flight) & I don't do well in crowds.

   In addition..my family doesn't get that here..at home, for the most part I haven't really been more than maybe 20 feet away from Hubby or my puppy dog, Ebony unless I'm at the drs. for the last yr.  Ebby actually gets very anxious when I'm not home. When I go take a shower, she'll wait in the bedroom for me to emerge even if hubby is sitting in the living rm. So in addition to the absence being hard on me..I think it would be stressful on her as well, and she's not the young puppy I like pretending she is

    Now, I have the MAJOR stress of telling my mom I'm not coming up this yr and trying to get her to believe the reasons.. blech

puppy-like excitement

I think Ebony actually got to watch a squirrel and some birds from a relatively up-close position for the first time today. We've always had 'wildlife' in the area back in Ohio, but when she'd run out to see it, she's (of course) scare it all away. Today, she was sitting on an air mattress looking out of the one closed window and a squirrel came to rest on the lowest branches of a tree that was right outside. She couldn't take her eyes off of it once she'd come running to get me and I came back to sit with her. Then she noticed a bunch of cardinals (I think..I don't know my birds very well) hopping around in the bush right against the right side of the window. She was once again entranced by their movements...darting her head to match their jumps...With the window closed, the birds and squirrel had no idea she was watching them so she could watch to her hearts content. Her excitement over seeing them was SO cute...if I left to sit in the living room, she'd come running back out 10-15 min later with this eager look and urge me back to the window and if I looked in whatever direction she'd stare..I'd usually see a new critter or something.

curse of intelligence?

I know I blog a lot about my dog, but she's a big part of my life. My fabulous husband is my rock and shelter and partner and has been with me thru thick and thin. I couldn't ask for a greater guy. He's a great emotional, physical, financial, everything support. But my dog is my mental centering focus. She rarely leaves my side, sleeps at my feet and usually seems to react to my moods. Honestly, even tho she's 'technically' not licensed or trained as such (not that I'm sure that's even done or necessary), I still consider her my companion dog.

Right now, I think she's feeling depressed...today especially. She barely ate her breakfast (so odd for her). Yesterday, I fed her a little earlier in the evening than normal. When I told her to go lay down in the kitchen for supper, she just stared at me. She's never NOT excited over the words "kitchen" and "supper". Even if she's *just* eaten. It took a few urgings to get her to go to supper an hour early. Then, a little later, when I was putting my shoes on to leave for a bit, she just stared at me instead of bouncing around complaining (like she normally does).

Ebony is smart..even for a dog. I'm not just saying that cuz she's my dog the way mothers always say their baby is cute..I've had plenty of dogs that I will willingly say are dumber than a box of rocks, and that's even insulting the rocks to compare the dogs to them. Problem is, that intelligence, no matter how smart she gets or how much she observes or what we let her investigate (she's incredible curious about *everything* around her). she's still limited in just how intelligent she can become by physical, genetics, everything else. I realize this may be me just seeing things in her actions that aren't really there, but based on her actions toward the now-empty yard next door, the actions yesterday when I changed her routine by feeding her early then left 30 min. later and then her clinginess today... I honestly think she's truly depressed because she thinks things are changing around her.

In this instance the phrase "ignorance is bliss" seems most fitting cuz its kinda like when someone knows just enough about a topic to start a conversation, but not enough to continue it once the experts join in. I think the problem arises from the fact that she's smart enough to see the changes, but not quite capable of connecting the why or the fact that its a one time thing or that it happened to someone else and won't affect our little family.

Its probably good that I don't speak "dog" cuz my heart would break even more about all of this if I was sure that she was aware of how *little* she knew. When I worked with special needs people a few yrs ago, I could tell by the way they spoke and things they said that (atleast some of them) were aware of their limits..now that I'm experiencing  so many cognitive probs and declines with my knowledge lost somewhere in me (never to be found?) ...I'm understanding more and more their frustrations and fears as I see others understanding things I just can't...quite...grasp

More (slightly less) realistic dreams

  Last night I had a rather disturbing dream that some people showed up and tried to forcefully claim Ebony as their lost dog. Since she was brought in by Animal Control to the vet office where I was working (like 8 or 9 yrs ago, in OH) it was always possible that someone would claim her from the vet's when we said we 'found' a dog...especially since her breed is kinda pricey and the vets are pretty certain she's pure bred (frankly, I don't care, & she's spayed now anyway so it doesn't matter). I spent the entire dream screaming at people to go away and leave my dog alone. or running w/ a 13 lb shivering black, ball of fur in my arms cuz she was terrified of all the noise and strangers trying to grab her.

  The second dream involved a group session w/ a neurologist who kept talking about fresh air and holding the session outside & when I said that I'm cold & that it's cold outside, he begins almost yelling at me for not liking fresh air and sunlight, etc.  He won't believe me when I say that I can't take the cold and have a very hard time staying warm even with blankets and tons of clothes. We begin an argument about the fact that its actually the cold, not the "fresh air" as he puts it, that I can't deal with. Even the others in the group session were ganging up on me about the whole going out in the cold cuz the fresh air is good. That dream just felt like one big fight..most of it with a dr who wouldn't believe a word I said  =(

goodbye aunt

  My aunt died today. She'd been suffering from lung cancer which spread for yrs. The chemo had been hell on her, but the stubborn old bitch (she'd accept that happily & with a smile) held on to her freedom & control as long as she could. Growing up, she was someone I looked up to, wanted to be, & one we ALL called perhaps the most saint-like person we knew (atleast out of the family): she looked for that silver-lining in everything and everyone & she seemed to be the calmest out of the family..which for a clan of Irish/Germans, is saying a lot.

   Not saying she didn't have her faults..as I said - stubborn - we all are. She only just stopped smoking the most recent time she was rushed to the ER for liquid in the lungs & surrounding the heart. Very old school & didn't "entirely" believe smoking caused cancer, & even if it did, she'd been smoking for so long she refused to change now..blah, blah, blah (stubborn). But inside that crotchety, she-dog was a heart of gold. She would have sacrificed anything for family, neighbors, friends, or even someone she saw in need.

   Now that my aunt is gone, I'm not sure what to feel or what I'm feeling...  I'm sad. I truly am. But every time I heard about the pain the next wave of chemo caused or how long she needed to stay in the hospital from some problem, it made me feel sick...she & I were close.. I used to visit & we'd stay up late just chatting. She didn't like doctors. She was strong, independent & the thought of needing others for the little things was just as off-putting to her as it was to me. She was refusing pain meds because they made her too fuzzy to think & unfortunately, the cancer had spread to her lymph-nodes. I believe she also had the start of CHF, or maybe just pneumonia, not sure since I'm here in TX & she's back in OH. I just know the drs weren't able to do anything more for her. I think I'm...not exactly..happy...it eases something in my mind that she won't go thru the pain & suffering or the sickness anymore.
and then that makes me happy for me cuz then I don't have to feel painful emotions & suffering about her & her situation...then I feel guilty that I feel relieved I won't hear about her sufferings so I won't feel terrible & the whole thing just kinda cycles round again & I end up feeling like a terrible person

But to close my thoughts:  here's a glass of the finest (or perhaps mug, I believe she was always more fond of beer or ale)   There's another Irish lass carousing up in Heaven tonight.