life's spectator

I think I've been sliding down further and further with my ability to recall tasks and my ability to cope with simple decisions and even small crowds of unknown people.. 

The whole situation has had me really thinking about the past and how things have been pre & post Dx. I've come to the realization that my *early* years are _relatively_ clear to me..what I remember from those yrs, I remember things like how I felt, what was going on, etc.. like it was my life. Past about maybe 6th or 7th grade, until my early-mid twenties, my memories are more like a first person movie. What memories I have (and these are hard to pull up) have no real emotion attached to them. It's as if I can't see these events as things I did, or even could have done (not sure why). I know I did these things, but when I can recall them, its like watching it thru someone else's eyes as they go thru the motions of living that life...I don't get access to thoughts, feelings, emotions (even tho technically its suppose to be me)..its just a window, a viewscreen to the action. 

I know how odd and really messed up this sounds--even reading it as I type it sounds like a mental breakdown to me. even tho I'm well past the worst of it, its still hard to connect to memories as anything more than just something I'm seeing that might have been an old movie or tv show. Even some of the stuff that I firmly remember from the past as being from 'my' life, has been questioned by others and dismissed as dreams and fantasies. This makes it even harder than to recall what goes on around me and know that what I see in my mind is actually a memory of my life (especially when it doesn't have any kind of emotional attachment) or if it was something I imagined, saw on tv, etc... 

It's frustrating because on an intellectual lvl I know all of this is a vicious downward circle --I doubt, so I withdraw more, which makes me doubt my mental abilities more, which makes me panic, which makes me withdraw, and down I go...but those who were around me at the times I question are the ones telling me I'm completely wrong, but the ones I trust the most are the ones telling me I'm probably right...   

I think my sanity is safer as a spectator to my life

blech dreams

I wish I was one of those who didn't dream.

The past few? (maybe many.. don't recall) nights I've having these really weird short dreams after which I'll semi-wake, change position, then fall back asleep. Some of the dreams are just weird: like me lease walking an itty-bitty black kitten everywhere. Others are more gross/disturbing weird: I'm a cop whose after the creator of a drug that turns people into zombie (kills em, brings em back) and I'm about to be eaten by one of the zombies. Then there's those that I can't break out of: the ones that are too realistic - being chased and detained by a corrupt official (or just some stranger in my house) & being unable to make myself heard as I'm calling out for help.  Needless to say.. it has all added up to a string of crappy nights and tired mornings..today being the worst.

SUCCESS!! sorta kinda if measured in baby steps

Today I took Ebby for a walk down to the corner of the street and back - I think we once estimated it as close to .5 mile total. About a month ago, I got a rollator and that has made walking any kind of distance A LOT easier...I haven't needed to stare down as my feet as much, I don't need to worry as much about veering off course, it helps my balance. The only problem I came after getting it was trying to walk the dog still. Both of us needed the exercise. Even tho we have a decent sized fenced in yard - she doesn't like running around in it w/out someone else and she doesn't like playing ball or frisbee (she looks at you like its beneath her)

Last night, however, Matt & I went "school clothes shopping" at Petsmart. We got her one of those harnesses that wouldn't pull on her neck (honestly, I'd been thinking about one of those anyways for a while..she's too curious and pulls hard at the lease). We also exchanged the extender leash, which was getting caught in the little joints & stuff, for a thicker, (but still longish) rope-like leash that I could loop over the front of the rollator. This kept my hands free, it didn't pull on one side of the walker when she moved, but still gave a little bit of length for her to investigate the sides of the sidewalk.

Ebony was such a fabulous dog on the walk and adapted to the new stuff quite quickly..for the most part, she stayed to the front of the rollator, and when she began to stray too much all I needed to do was call "Ebby, sidewalk" and she'd usually trot right back in front of me. A few times I had to walk past her and it took the tug of the leash on her back to get her moving again, but she'd get right back up front.

I'm so happy we've figured out how to keep including the dog in my morning walks -they'd be so boring otherwise. And I'm SO proud of Ebby for cooperating and adapting so our solution is actually a workable solution.