my adorably stupid, but loyal kitty

I love my cat. For as much as I mock her or anything else..I'm glad I adopted her. I'm equally glad I (we) adopted the others as well, but Xanadu is my cat.

To be honest, tho, she's a bit...off. We've tried to point this out to the vets, but they don't see it; if you look at her from a distance, its noticeable that she has a slightly lazy eye. I don't think she sees really well, either that or she doesn't really try. She walks into walls on purpose...she'll brush up against it, then turn her head directly into it and <slam> I don't know if she thinks something will open (she bounced a partially closed door open at my parent's house once)

The other morning, since both Matt and I were up, we both fed the animals together. They're used to just one of us, so essentially one specie at a time (cats then dog). I grabbed Ebony's bowl so she didn't have to 'stay' so long while Matt set the cats' bowls down in the other room. Xan, however decided to follow whatever bowl I grabbed and head for that. She's following me,  I'm trying to put the dog bowl down, Matt's in the other rm calling her, I'm telling her to go, Ebby is laying behind her fidgeting cuz it looks like that cat is gonna go for her kibbles, & Xan is looking up at me w/ the bowl excitedly waiting for me to put her food in the wrong spot...we picked where we were feeding each animal when we first moved in a yr ago and it hasn't changed..but obviously, if it was me putting down the food bowl, to Xan, it was hers. ^_^

It's either that or since Midnight and Xan switch bowls all the time, she figured it was fine for her to switch w/ the dog. 'Sides, all the bowls have fish oil (atleast of some type). So she'd rather deal with the person she likes (still don't know why she fears/distrusts Matt so much). In any case..it was kinda sweet & cute, but still more evidence of her...slow thinking

No sleep for the dreamer

IDK..I didn't think the last few days had been all that stressful or anything on me (atleast no more than the norm) Granted, right now we're dealing with what I 'think' is some early Texas winter (could be wrong cuz this is my first winter down here, but I thought it happened more towards Dec.)..either way, its cool (cold to me) greyer than I've been used to down here (more like back in OH) and damp..all of which is making me achey and slow-moving, and it has a similar effect with my thinking...just seems like the O2 and blood flow just doesn't get moving quick enough to keep the thoughts flowing..it leaves me feeling thick-minded, dull witted, etc...

Think it all accumulated in a craptacular dream last night of my mother berating me of a list of failures, fictional but with an initial basis in fact and blown way out of proportion like never contacting them, never remember something or misspelling something all the time, then it went in to how berating choices I've made and how she thinks they're wrong, childish and I should grow up and do things her way...again..things way out of proportion and magnified of stuff we've talked about in the past.

When I managed to wake from that, I tried to fall back to sleep for a little while more and instead my mind decided to start re-rolling episodes of the few times I was written up at my position at the hotel and how, honestly, there were no reasons for it...I had bent over backwards to help a guest, but because I was the senior staff, I dealt with the person the most so it was my name she had..i.e. I was the fall guy and the new management (who wasn't even there during that person's stay) wouldn't accept anything but the lady's side. A person seeing me talk with my hands (gesturing, etc) to a coworker reported me as threatening to a supervisor - the person doing the reporting was 30 or so ft away...management didn't care that the coworker and I were conversing softly about the coworker's use of cuss words at the desk..I got written up for threatening the coworker....

These things shouldn't haunt me...they're old things, done, don't matter, but I'm my own worse enemy..I know it. I get upset with myself when something goes wrong, even if it was unavoidable and I don't let myself "off the hook" for those mistakes..even if its only in my head, I keep trying to fix the wrongs or the perceived wrongs, to make everything come out perfect. Its the curse of the 'what ifs'..'or 'what if I had's. Once I start circling and questioning one thing it is so easy to jump to the next topic and then the next until I end up all the way back to the earliest memory I can dredge up from the past (and its amazing how the "mistake" memories seem to be the easiest for me to recall - hubby theorized its cuz of heightened emotion [I think])

I try to keep everything calm with relaxed breathing and stuff like that..trying to keep my mind blank or focusing on good things. I'm not very good at it yet and I find my mind wandering and resting to dwell on the latest thing that went wrong or the newest stress (like something that needs repaired/replaced) or the lated thing I had an anxiety attack about. I'm hoping the new yoga class I'm starting next week will help some..I know the walking up to the cluster of mailboxes helps a little but its starting to become too miserable to spend too much time outside :-/

Monsters all around and deep in my head

It occurred to me this morning - sometimes it takes a long time - puppy dog is quickly becoming a surrogate for the nightly "monster watchers". As a kid, I was incredibly terrified of monsters under the bed, closet, etc..(I blame my bro for some pranks & me for an exceedingly overactive imagination & the house which had old flooring, water heating pipes, and other things that made horrific sounds). So I would line myself with stuffed animals - literally, inc at feet & head - every night before I felt safe enough to sleep because their eyes were always open so always watchful (yes, creepy, but it made me feel comfortable)

Since the move and we let Ebbs come sleep in the rm (bed), she's taken up alternating either nightly or thru the night various positions around me (e.g. up against my back, across my feet). I know she doesn't understand what she's doing for me and while I don't fear the 'monster under the bed' anymore ('sides, I have Matt to protect me too ^_^) Instead, I just have the MonSter in my life to contend with and all the things it brings along. Feeling her solid lump of a body press up against me is quite calming as I'm falling asleep...I know it should be the hubby's place to do that, but unfortunately, I sleep under a heated blanket, as well as emit TONS of body heat (I know.. tmi) and Matt get's easily overheated... its a win-win that Ebbby will lay against me.

manufacturing blah blah yada yada... update

We got the puppy (term used loosely for the 10yr old, grey muzzled doggie) a new collar and when we went switch them out, we realized the other one, or her claws, had rubbed a bald spot on her neck where the itchiest part of the old collar had lain. So... we left her neck bare for a number of day & kept the house well lit (stupid black stealth dog) in hopes that the irritation atleast would subside.

Thankfully, today, when we woke up I felt her fussing at her neck (she usually lays pushed up against me in the bed and last night she was at the small of my back). I stopped her from scratching at it and saw a downy cover of light greyish-black fur over the spot. She might not get her rich, thick black coat back over that spot, but its atleast on the mend and Matt and I made sure her new collar is smooth all the way around -- we stood in the store running our fingers over almost every collar in the correct size trying to find one that wouldn't cause a similar problem and debating back and forth over what we could or couldn't feel  o_O

I hope dog appreciates the time and effort we take to make sure she's comfortable and healthy lol   :-P

manufacturing expectations and the lack of standards..

I realize this is gonna be a petty complaint..but it kinda comes down to expectations in a brand name...and really expectation in a product type in general for a moderately priced (not the highest, but definitely not the cheap stuff) product.

We bought a new collar for our dog at the same time we got the halter & lease for Ebby. Everything is of the same brand and frankly I'm thrilled with the halter & leash. Ebby steps willingly into the halter so everything works out. The collar needed replacing cuz her old one was like 9-10 yrs old. Unfortunately, she's been itching at the collar, regardless how loose we keep it. I ran my fingers along the inside of it and realized because the stitching method included doubling the clothe the hold one of the plastic pieces, it formed an incredibly itchy, stiff section that lays right up against her neck. The section requires so many stitches because it is so heavy duty, there really is no way to correct it. We can probably lessen the impact by adding duct tape to the area, but its frustrating because we shouldn't need to modify the collar just so the dog could comfortably wear it. It makes me wonder if it had really gone thru QA testing because I felt the problem as soon as I ran my finger along the inside of the collar.

Oh well.. Thankfully, we can keep it loose since I use the halter to take her for walks and the collar is just to hold her tags. :-)  and make her feel more comfy..she hates not having her collar on...don't know if that's cuz she feels she's not ours or what XD

life's spectator

I think I've been sliding down further and further with my ability to recall tasks and my ability to cope with simple decisions and even small crowds of unknown people.. 

The whole situation has had me really thinking about the past and how things have been pre & post Dx. I've come to the realization that my *early* years are _relatively_ clear to me..what I remember from those yrs, I remember things like how I felt, what was going on, etc.. like it was my life. Past about maybe 6th or 7th grade, until my early-mid twenties, my memories are more like a first person movie. What memories I have (and these are hard to pull up) have no real emotion attached to them. It's as if I can't see these events as things I did, or even could have done (not sure why). I know I did these things, but when I can recall them, its like watching it thru someone else's eyes as they go thru the motions of living that life...I don't get access to thoughts, feelings, emotions (even tho technically its suppose to be me)..its just a window, a viewscreen to the action. 

I know how odd and really messed up this sounds--even reading it as I type it sounds like a mental breakdown to me. even tho I'm well past the worst of it, its still hard to connect to memories as anything more than just something I'm seeing that might have been an old movie or tv show. Even some of the stuff that I firmly remember from the past as being from 'my' life, has been questioned by others and dismissed as dreams and fantasies. This makes it even harder than to recall what goes on around me and know that what I see in my mind is actually a memory of my life (especially when it doesn't have any kind of emotional attachment) or if it was something I imagined, saw on tv, etc... 

It's frustrating because on an intellectual lvl I know all of this is a vicious downward circle --I doubt, so I withdraw more, which makes me doubt my mental abilities more, which makes me panic, which makes me withdraw, and down I go...but those who were around me at the times I question are the ones telling me I'm completely wrong, but the ones I trust the most are the ones telling me I'm probably right...   

I think my sanity is safer as a spectator to my life

blech dreams

I wish I was one of those who didn't dream.

The past few? (maybe many.. don't recall) nights I've having these really weird short dreams after which I'll semi-wake, change position, then fall back asleep. Some of the dreams are just weird: like me lease walking an itty-bitty black kitten everywhere. Others are more gross/disturbing weird: I'm a cop whose after the creator of a drug that turns people into zombie (kills em, brings em back) and I'm about to be eaten by one of the zombies. Then there's those that I can't break out of: the ones that are too realistic - being chased and detained by a corrupt official (or just some stranger in my house) & being unable to make myself heard as I'm calling out for help.  Needless to say.. it has all added up to a string of crappy nights and tired mornings..today being the worst.

SUCCESS!! sorta kinda if measured in baby steps

Today I took Ebby for a walk down to the corner of the street and back - I think we once estimated it as close to .5 mile total. About a month ago, I got a rollator and that has made walking any kind of distance A LOT easier...I haven't needed to stare down as my feet as much, I don't need to worry as much about veering off course, it helps my balance. The only problem I came after getting it was trying to walk the dog still. Both of us needed the exercise. Even tho we have a decent sized fenced in yard - she doesn't like running around in it w/out someone else and she doesn't like playing ball or frisbee (she looks at you like its beneath her)

Last night, however, Matt & I went "school clothes shopping" at Petsmart. We got her one of those harnesses that wouldn't pull on her neck (honestly, I'd been thinking about one of those anyways for a while..she's too curious and pulls hard at the lease). We also exchanged the extender leash, which was getting caught in the little joints & stuff, for a thicker, (but still longish) rope-like leash that I could loop over the front of the rollator. This kept my hands free, it didn't pull on one side of the walker when she moved, but still gave a little bit of length for her to investigate the sides of the sidewalk.

Ebony was such a fabulous dog on the walk and adapted to the new stuff quite quickly..for the most part, she stayed to the front of the rollator, and when she began to stray too much all I needed to do was call "Ebby, sidewalk" and she'd usually trot right back in front of me. A few times I had to walk past her and it took the tug of the leash on her back to get her moving again, but she'd get right back up front.

I'm so happy we've figured out how to keep including the dog in my morning walks -they'd be so boring otherwise. And I'm SO proud of Ebby for cooperating and adapting so our solution is actually a workable solution.

my political views...at this moment anyway

this is more a rant than anything else... part of the reason I refuse to declare Dem, Rep, etc is cuz frankly none of them are getting it right and none of them stick to what they say they're gonna do.. I vote for the one that seems like (s)he has the best ideals and possibly may do the best for the country (hopefully)

at this point, tho I think we have successfully managed to shove our heads so far up our asses we aren't seeing just how much the rest of the world looks down on us. Please don't think I'm anti-America.. I'm not... I love this country.. my views are that we don't need to have "a hand in" the change of every other country, regardless if that change is to democracy or not. Nor do we need to KEEP a hand in other countries --we have enough problems here.

Besides which..we are so focused on making everyone like the US, we don't realize that the people in power are that was because they will do ANYTHING. In other words - they are petty tyrants who are bent on keeping what they have at all costs. The American govt. acts like they will respond like any other reasonable entity. In order to understand someone like that, you need to be able to think like they do, not just do the minimal wrist slap or treat them like a playground bully while giving them the opportunity to come back with a bigger "bat" next time. In my opinion, the US would succeed better in foreign policy if we kept in mind we are dealing with high level petty tyrants for the most part who will stoop to new lows and stop at nothing to retain power.

I'm not saying our country's government is perfect - far from it... they have done many things that I (atleast) am not proud of and makes me want to cringe when people mention it. They have had their ups and downs... I know its probably not fair of me to compare all of this since I haven't actually experienced the other governments or anything (which is why I also say this is my view at the moment..I may experience something later that could change my world) but I know the intent at the start of the country's government was for a freer nation--whether or not it stayed that way.

Maybe the initial intent of the governments we are currently at odds with were better...after all power corrupts

memories

Today was harder than I thought it would be...

I'm not sure why...well... I have ideas, but they might just be the random mumblings of a stressed, tired mind that is sick of everything and just wants to stop thinking for a long while until it can heal again..

I knew so few people.. that wasn't the terrible part. Mother didn't recognize or know many of the more distant branches or the family tree (& I'm not talking miles). It was held at my aunt's house, which is on the property of my childhood home....

I had a good childhood... don't get me wrong... talking about the stupid/insane things I/the pets did in the past should have been humorous...not sad or tear invoking...I shouldn't have been so devastated as Dad helped me walk from the large rock where I sat with my dog, down the driveway where I remember finding a plastic horse figurine while still at a hand holding age (3-5?) days before they paved it. I remember all these stupid little tidbits of my past, but I look at things from my life now and I feel like I'm forgetting more and more of the present when I'm reminded of more and more of the past..... I know that makes no sense, but the old resurfaces easier sometimes, or it replaced the new stuff if I've been recently reminded I suppose... IDK

anticipation? anxiety?

Nearing the 120 day mark for the SSID decision. Just got a letter in the mail from them asking me to come in & bring someone w/ me who can assist/handle financial matters for me. I hate making assumptions, but it sounds favorable... but it still makes me get panic moths (I don't call them butterflies..it's too cute & cuddly sounding) in my tummy..

On top of that, (not sure if this will be good or bad) I'm going for 3 weeks to NY for my girl's horse competition... she qualified to take all these riding lessons in basically all the various competition areas from top instructors at the NY State Fair and then her team competes in the drill team competition held on the last couple days. Unfortunately, that also means spending that time w/ the parents & defusing any situations they try to put me in or anything they try to get me to do... I love them, but there's a reason we don't live closer together. Some personalities don't mesh well....and I'm not blameless, either...but there's also a family reunion and many of these people I haven't seen for YEARS, so I'm happy about that, but I'm so  dreading the "what happened to you?" questions when they see me walking slow and weaving and esp. now that I'm getting a rollator to help me for outdoor stuff or large area places (malls, etc)

It just seems like everything good comes with some sort of bad (even if it's just my overactive, psychotic, anxious brain providing it)... I know that's life... I'm honestly not some naive little girl... but I'd really like to have just some good and skip the bad (and be able to trust that its okay, and not get the panic moths making mincemeat out of my insides) XP

The (hopefully) final sx

Yesterday was the removal of the 2nd stent from my effed up gallbladder removal procedure. This was the all important one in the bile duct that the dr was leaving in for extra time to ensure it was completely healed. Its also the spot which the dr said tore like tissue paper when he touched it (kinda nerve-wracking knowing he's gonna go back in to mess w/ it again). It didn't make me feel a 100% better when he came in pre sx to say that when they go in.. if its NOT healed, they'll put a new one in (just want I want)

According to what we were told, we needed to schedule atleast 4 hrs for the entire hospital time - from arrival to departure, so I arrived at 7am and I was expecting to leave around possibly 11am to 12pm (all the red tape and paperwork and stuff). I was HOME at 9:30 am. Considering the fact they never actually took me back to the OR until around 8am, I'm not sure why it went so quickly, but I'm glad it did and that it went well, however he did take a biopsy of my stomach since it was all red and stuff - just to make sure its not a bleeding ulcer of something...honestly, I think its cuz I kinda forgot some of the rules and ate spicy stuff the night before (tho I didn't really think it was that spicy)...they'll let me know in a few wks what they think of it. I'm just glad this entire fiasco is over... frankly, from the moment I lay in bed with my abdomen burning feeling nauseated with the one of two sick-inducing pains, this has been a roller-coaster of ups & down of what the facility managed to save in its database from the last time, or what needs re-written. I get auto calls about appts I never set (well, maybe did set as the drugs were taking me under..vaguely recall lady sitting at comp, not what she was talking about) or waking up (again, recall many ladies w/ clipboards and at comp, don't remember what they said each time). The drs, tho.. are great...  
    I hate when a good dr is backed by a facility having so many problems... the probs maybe caused by any # of factors, but still...the good drs could be exceptional when paired with the right staff and right facility

                sorry---old gripe--the boss, dr, etc can be better when backed by the right staff/facility/equipment     had a hell of a time getting some of my previous employment places to even listen to that idea

More and more tests

Just got back from the latest appointment with my neurologist - as if I didn't have enough to worry about, he's brought up the question of whether or not the mental blanks like the one I had at the grocery store last month could be cuz of mini seizures

                            oh joy
                           just what I needed to think about

He doesn't think so, but it is a possibility. Plus, I take too long to respond to simple yes/no questions that actually shouldn't take processing like I require.
So, I have an EEG scheduled for the end of the month.
Dr. says not to worry; that its probably related to MS cognition problems (of which I've already shown some signs) and that the EEG will probably be normal. Unfortunately, I am a chronic worrier (hence the anti-anxiety meds originally being added to help w/ sleep). Plus, the unfortunate ability I have of being the 0.00nth% minority that has the reaction/allergy/side effect/etc that the fine print warns about. I've stopped being amused and now its turned to frustration when I hear a dr say "huh, that's new"
Depending on the results of the EEG, I may need to change some of my meds (again) or go for the day long cognitive testing... the dr says its actually kinda disappointing, cuz no-one (even someone without MS or other neuro probs) scores well on it.

This has been a day of not quite bad news, but definitely no good news

meow

"First rule of Cat Fight Club
   never speak about Cat Fight Club....
second rule about Cat Fight Club
   never speak about Cat Fight Club....especially to humans" XD

Almost every night, after Matt, the dog, and I go into the master bedroom for the night, Xan and Midnight go crazy attacking each other. I know this because I've stayed up a few nights and that actually hasn't deterred them much.. I can only guess how much worse it gets when I'm NOT present, especially since when I woke up this morning, there was an *excessive* amount of white fur clumps scattered around the living rm. Xan sheds, but usually a few wispy bits at a time (just kinda constantly). These were *clumps*..like Midnight bit down on some back or side fur  and yanked out or clawed out.

I know it was Xan's cuz A) she's a mostly white calico with baby-fine hair that falls out anyway if hit by the slightest breeze and 2) she's a wuz..she's about 2/3 the size of Midnight and runs from the slightest challenge..  love her and wouldn't trade her for the world... but I do wish she's grow a backbone...especially after almost 7 yrs dealing with Matt. she acts like has abused her (hasn't), & is out to get her (isn't) and the dog who is fine letting her walk around usually until she tenses up..then the dog needs to chase her cuz the dog know the cat will run.  running object = the need to chase the running object for almost any canine i've seen.

I wish there was a third rule of Cat Fight Club
   never leave evidence of the Cat Fight behind

Then I wouldn't have to spend the morning vacuuming up all the bits to fur they pull off of each other

big *empty* space

That's the area that's suppose to contain a brain...

It went missing sometime today around 4pm when I was physically and mentally unable to fold the 2nd half of my load of laundry...

sounds funny..I know...but its not..I was quite distraught... technically  I know my pinkies should 'flip' the sleeves in while it's being folded lengthwise so the sleeves are inside the fold...its how we've folded shirts for the past decade and how I had folded the previous half of the load and between one shirt and the next, my brain and my hands just...forgot. There's a big difference between technically knowing it & being able to do it...I was left holding the shirt just staring at it near tears cuz I couldn't get my pinkies to even fold the shirt, much less 'flip it' (don't ask the difference.. there just is one..)

it was about as bad as standing in the grocery store staring at the taco seasonings, not quite sure where I was. Grocery store would have been all I could tell you for sure..I'm not sure if the right town, or even state would have come out...heck... I don't even think the right grocery store, since they don't have the store we use to shop at down here.


ok..its too late and I'm done rehashing how stupid I feel when my brain stops working =P

phobic phobias

The closer my dr appt for the SSDI determination gets, the more jittery I become..at this point, I'm not sure if its cuz I'm worried about being denied or because the dr the appointment is with is a psychologist...
I don't do so well with shrinks of any type
in fact...
they terrify terrify the hell out of me
They can ferret out meanings you never meant to apply to a term and twist it to look a certain way to weak minded individuals (I know) and unlike other doctors any wounds are invisible.

Matt tells me to get over it..he says he understands, but since it was so long ago, when I was a teen, and that the dr was obviously a new grad or a touch crazy herself.  However..being told you should never have been born or that your parents should never have adopted you kinda tends to leave a scar (esp. when its reinforced by fam. over & over just how lucky I am that they decided to do so).

Of all the things I forget...why can't I forget these memories?!

Damn shitty night terror last night (this morning?) sometime..the kinda that has me trying to scream my way out of it and scream for help from the terrors...an old relationship hellbent on getting..'reacquainted'..and not in a friendly manner.  I was trying to scream for help but couldn't get the breath or push him off of me and I was flailing and everything. In the dream I couldn't even blame the MS, I was back in my old rm way before I was diagnosed and started having probs with strength --I was an active athlete softball, volleyball, basketball --

I pulled out of it long enough to fall into yet ANOTHER shitty dream. Now, I'm trying to tell Matt about it and he's belittling and/or contradicting  everything I say about the night terror (including the size of my original  bed that I used as a teen...) felt like I was talking in circles until I wasn't sure if I was coming or going with the way he kept giving me different information when I would tell him one thing...beyond frustrating and twitch inducing, especially when the rest of the dream made no sense (from the little of this one I can remember)

I can't stand dreams I don't understand... I haven't thought of that damn jerk in well over a decade..then my stupid brain hurls images like this at me...

my head hates me

tick tock

I can't believe I'm still slowly unpacking.. although it really shouldn't be that much of a surprise. We spent 10 yrs or so (I think..I believe that was the last amount I was told..don't remember) in Columbus and still had some stuff that never saw the light of day. Very little of that came with us, mostly just my baskets cuz those were expensive and it was cuz there was A) no room (not like there's more here) and B) I'm not a good decorator.. but hubby is gonna help here, especially since we left some of he clutter (emphasis on some) back in Columbus and he's gonna help me figure out uses instead of just putting them on shelves to look pretty.

Anyway.. back to the real purpose.. came across the small box containing the remains of the 3 day old abandoned kitten I tried to save. Unfortunately, he  (although it was too young to tell, I think it was a male ^_^) was just too young and had been left out on its own for too long before it was found by someone. It was from when I was working at a vet clinic. The vet heard a slight wheeze and I still took him home and tried to feed it, keep it warm overnight..I had it for two days, but on the second morn...the wheezing was audible and he wasn't really moving much. Shortley after, the baby kitten passed - most likely from being exposed to fairly chilly weather when it was first born. The doc was pretty sure it was a newborn that first day when he was left out. His eyes hadn't even begun to open yet.

One of the nearby funeral parlors provided pet cremations. What I didn't know is that they also save a small chunk of hair and take a paw print.. I received the little wooden box and a small framed paw print smaller that my thumb tip and an envelop w/ a small shaving of his marmalade hair..what struck me the most was the date...
                                                     2006
Seven yrs ago??? I still remember holding him in my hands..I still remember having the box with the red heating lamp beside my bed...I remember the utter devastation of losing that baby kitten....
but I also remember losing my Lassie when I was 16 as if was just yesterday...including attempting to dig into completely frozen ground in Feb while it was sleeting...I don't place myself at the age of 16. I don't place my friend who helped me at 18..

I don't do very well with time that's gone past (whether minutes, days, years)


This turned into more of a macabre post than I meant it it be...sry

sometimes I just wanna.... SNAP

Ever know that one person who just has to play the  "mine is bigger than yours"  game regardless what topic is brought up? and this person must do it at the absolute loudest possible voice? (tho honestly, for each topic - or each attempt to trump - the volume seems to grow, just when I thought it couldn't get any louder). Its REALLY frustrating when this must occur over top or interrupting whatever I may have been trying to say to someone.... especially since I never had a very loud voice to begin with... since the MS has decided to play havoc with my lung capacity and vocal cords, my voice has become even more gravely and wispy (which seems like an odd pairing, but its true...somehow) Needless to say... I'm not the easiest to hear, unless I YELL..and even then, my voice doesn't often cut thru heavy din unless I SCREAM and that usually hurts my throat and makes my head throb worse than the overwhelming surrounding noise does anyways.
Anyway.. as I was saying... This has happened enough times and I'm getting so sick of being verbally run over when I'm trying to talk to someone and have an actual conversation... a conversation should not stop mid sentence and switch to whomever happens to interject the loudest comment...its... rude, especially when it happens again, and again...

Do I expect too much, maybe... if so... I guess its time I start getting...rude...

It's a scrambled mess

It's rather hard to sort out life when everything in the head is a scrambled mess of goings and comings. I'll starts a project, leave of where I was, start another and so on and so forth only to suddenly come back to the first and restart it about half-way into what I'd already done.... or worse yet..well past where I had stopped.  This is okay for some things... not so good for things like.... oh say... cooking. Thankfully, my husband has been able to save most of the dishes I've nearly ruined.. and I haven't set anything on fire.... yet   


I've come to the realization that I need to start using something like lists where I can either cross off or erase what I have completed, like chores. We were trying to just tell me what needed done in the morning, but I was having difficulties keeping track of it and planning my day by it (I have trouble with time keeping)... as mildly demeaning as it is, I need to set myself a list of how my day needs to go.. everything from exercising to doing chores so I can check them off day by day and see them get checked off each day and know I did them every day or they won't get done.... The site of things being checked off that list is actually a motivation for me to do those things daily and a reminder for me to get them done and that the day progresses and how fast it progresses. (as odd as that sounds)... its about the only thing I can think of doing...

To bed for me now.. enough rambling... I have a procedure tomorrow to remove the first stent from me  

*bang* *bang*

some days it feels like my kitty isn't the only one banging her head into walls..

             she's a bit..Special, plus her one eye doesn't track very well, so...

but I feel like I'm in limbo and anything I try to do just lands me right back where I started, or further back, and frequently with a headache. I can't seem to go forward to where I want to be and honestly half the time, if not more, I'm not entirely sure where it is I'm trying go - just further along than where I am now.

I know the first step is the where
I've been thru the courses at school about making life choices and getting your life on track and yada yada blah blah blech.....I think I know the where...
healthcare - or some similar field (aka, caring for beings) as much as I profess to hate people.. I'm a bleeding heart

I have an unspecified desire to do something... but I know not what and I can't even describe what it feels like that I want to do... so hence the banging me head into the wall right alongside Xanadu

I am done whining for the night.. off to bed

I'm not crazy, honest... yeah, I know, they all say that... I just tend to have a lot on my mind.. constantly. Problem is, it jumps from topic to topic in a heartbeat and... thanks to my wonderful damn genes or something I now have (or always have had.. just its active now) MS and my memory is kinda like a dog w/ ADD, or the something shiney syndrome... so while there may be a lot on my mind the conscious for-brain may only be peripherally aware of what those things are. 

I'm fairly certain that's why I'll suddenly answer questions or make comments on conversations that are hours old... the words finally made their way from the unconscious part of my mind to the conscious part...(sad, I know. Thankfully my husband is used to this)

I refer to the voices also because I argue quite frequently with myself over what to say and what not to say while I rehearse conversations over and over - both future and past conversations (yes, little obsessive and worried about the impression I made or will make..I was brought up to always be "perfect" in public and the MS makes it quite difficult to be anywhere near "perfect" in public). I wobble and weave and fall down if I don't watch my feet closely. I stumble over my words and insert opposite words frequently..its hard to deal with crowds so its very difficult to deal with people... not the "perfect" public image :-/

In order to deal with some of the sounds in my head, I use external sounds which, unfortunately then stick and add to the inner cacophony. If I keep the sounds going, they don't resound in my head...great until I go to bed. Then the songs from the day or years ago (depending on which neurons triggered) serenade me until I finally fall asleep.

I think that's enough for the first post and to explain the odd title (at least enough to kinda say "I might not be crazy")