big *empty* space

That's the area that's suppose to contain a brain...

It went missing sometime today around 4pm when I was physically and mentally unable to fold the 2nd half of my load of laundry...

sounds funny..I know...but its not..I was quite distraught... technically  I know my pinkies should 'flip' the sleeves in while it's being folded lengthwise so the sleeves are inside the fold...its how we've folded shirts for the past decade and how I had folded the previous half of the load and between one shirt and the next, my brain and my hands just...forgot. There's a big difference between technically knowing it & being able to do it...I was left holding the shirt just staring at it near tears cuz I couldn't get my pinkies to even fold the shirt, much less 'flip it' (don't ask the difference.. there just is one..)

it was about as bad as standing in the grocery store staring at the taco seasonings, not quite sure where I was. Grocery store would have been all I could tell you for sure..I'm not sure if the right town, or even state would have come out...heck... I don't even think the right grocery store, since they don't have the store we use to shop at down here.


ok..its too late and I'm done rehashing how stupid I feel when my brain stops working =P

phobic phobias

The closer my dr appt for the SSDI determination gets, the more jittery I become..at this point, I'm not sure if its cuz I'm worried about being denied or because the dr the appointment is with is a psychologist...
I don't do so well with shrinks of any type
in fact...
they terrify terrify the hell out of me
They can ferret out meanings you never meant to apply to a term and twist it to look a certain way to weak minded individuals (I know) and unlike other doctors any wounds are invisible.

Matt tells me to get over it..he says he understands, but since it was so long ago, when I was a teen, and that the dr was obviously a new grad or a touch crazy herself.  However..being told you should never have been born or that your parents should never have adopted you kinda tends to leave a scar (esp. when its reinforced by fam. over & over just how lucky I am that they decided to do so).

Of all the things I forget...why can't I forget these memories?!

Damn shitty night terror last night (this morning?) sometime..the kinda that has me trying to scream my way out of it and scream for help from the terrors...an old relationship hellbent on getting..'reacquainted'..and not in a friendly manner.  I was trying to scream for help but couldn't get the breath or push him off of me and I was flailing and everything. In the dream I couldn't even blame the MS, I was back in my old rm way before I was diagnosed and started having probs with strength --I was an active athlete softball, volleyball, basketball --

I pulled out of it long enough to fall into yet ANOTHER shitty dream. Now, I'm trying to tell Matt about it and he's belittling and/or contradicting  everything I say about the night terror (including the size of my original  bed that I used as a teen...) felt like I was talking in circles until I wasn't sure if I was coming or going with the way he kept giving me different information when I would tell him one thing...beyond frustrating and twitch inducing, especially when the rest of the dream made no sense (from the little of this one I can remember)

I can't stand dreams I don't understand... I haven't thought of that damn jerk in well over a decade..then my stupid brain hurls images like this at me...

my head hates me

tick tock

I can't believe I'm still slowly unpacking.. although it really shouldn't be that much of a surprise. We spent 10 yrs or so (I think..I believe that was the last amount I was told..don't remember) in Columbus and still had some stuff that never saw the light of day. Very little of that came with us, mostly just my baskets cuz those were expensive and it was cuz there was A) no room (not like there's more here) and B) I'm not a good decorator.. but hubby is gonna help here, especially since we left some of he clutter (emphasis on some) back in Columbus and he's gonna help me figure out uses instead of just putting them on shelves to look pretty.

Anyway.. back to the real purpose.. came across the small box containing the remains of the 3 day old abandoned kitten I tried to save. Unfortunately, he  (although it was too young to tell, I think it was a male ^_^) was just too young and had been left out on its own for too long before it was found by someone. It was from when I was working at a vet clinic. The vet heard a slight wheeze and I still took him home and tried to feed it, keep it warm overnight..I had it for two days, but on the second morn...the wheezing was audible and he wasn't really moving much. Shortley after, the baby kitten passed - most likely from being exposed to fairly chilly weather when it was first born. The doc was pretty sure it was a newborn that first day when he was left out. His eyes hadn't even begun to open yet.

One of the nearby funeral parlors provided pet cremations. What I didn't know is that they also save a small chunk of hair and take a paw print.. I received the little wooden box and a small framed paw print smaller that my thumb tip and an envelop w/ a small shaving of his marmalade hair..what struck me the most was the date...
                                                     2006
Seven yrs ago??? I still remember holding him in my hands..I still remember having the box with the red heating lamp beside my bed...I remember the utter devastation of losing that baby kitten....
but I also remember losing my Lassie when I was 16 as if was just yesterday...including attempting to dig into completely frozen ground in Feb while it was sleeting...I don't place myself at the age of 16. I don't place my friend who helped me at 18..

I don't do very well with time that's gone past (whether minutes, days, years)


This turned into more of a macabre post than I meant it it be...sry

sometimes I just wanna.... SNAP

Ever know that one person who just has to play the  "mine is bigger than yours"  game regardless what topic is brought up? and this person must do it at the absolute loudest possible voice? (tho honestly, for each topic - or each attempt to trump - the volume seems to grow, just when I thought it couldn't get any louder). Its REALLY frustrating when this must occur over top or interrupting whatever I may have been trying to say to someone.... especially since I never had a very loud voice to begin with... since the MS has decided to play havoc with my lung capacity and vocal cords, my voice has become even more gravely and wispy (which seems like an odd pairing, but its true...somehow) Needless to say... I'm not the easiest to hear, unless I YELL..and even then, my voice doesn't often cut thru heavy din unless I SCREAM and that usually hurts my throat and makes my head throb worse than the overwhelming surrounding noise does anyways.
Anyway.. as I was saying... This has happened enough times and I'm getting so sick of being verbally run over when I'm trying to talk to someone and have an actual conversation... a conversation should not stop mid sentence and switch to whomever happens to interject the loudest comment...its... rude, especially when it happens again, and again...

Do I expect too much, maybe... if so... I guess its time I start getting...rude...

It's a scrambled mess

It's rather hard to sort out life when everything in the head is a scrambled mess of goings and comings. I'll starts a project, leave of where I was, start another and so on and so forth only to suddenly come back to the first and restart it about half-way into what I'd already done.... or worse yet..well past where I had stopped.  This is okay for some things... not so good for things like.... oh say... cooking. Thankfully, my husband has been able to save most of the dishes I've nearly ruined.. and I haven't set anything on fire.... yet   


I've come to the realization that I need to start using something like lists where I can either cross off or erase what I have completed, like chores. We were trying to just tell me what needed done in the morning, but I was having difficulties keeping track of it and planning my day by it (I have trouble with time keeping)... as mildly demeaning as it is, I need to set myself a list of how my day needs to go.. everything from exercising to doing chores so I can check them off day by day and see them get checked off each day and know I did them every day or they won't get done.... The site of things being checked off that list is actually a motivation for me to do those things daily and a reminder for me to get them done and that the day progresses and how fast it progresses. (as odd as that sounds)... its about the only thing I can think of doing...

To bed for me now.. enough rambling... I have a procedure tomorrow to remove the first stent from me  

*bang* *bang*

some days it feels like my kitty isn't the only one banging her head into walls..

             she's a bit..Special, plus her one eye doesn't track very well, so...

but I feel like I'm in limbo and anything I try to do just lands me right back where I started, or further back, and frequently with a headache. I can't seem to go forward to where I want to be and honestly half the time, if not more, I'm not entirely sure where it is I'm trying go - just further along than where I am now.

I know the first step is the where
I've been thru the courses at school about making life choices and getting your life on track and yada yada blah blah blech.....I think I know the where...
healthcare - or some similar field (aka, caring for beings) as much as I profess to hate people.. I'm a bleeding heart

I have an unspecified desire to do something... but I know not what and I can't even describe what it feels like that I want to do... so hence the banging me head into the wall right alongside Xanadu

I am done whining for the night.. off to bed

I'm not crazy, honest... yeah, I know, they all say that... I just tend to have a lot on my mind.. constantly. Problem is, it jumps from topic to topic in a heartbeat and... thanks to my wonderful damn genes or something I now have (or always have had.. just its active now) MS and my memory is kinda like a dog w/ ADD, or the something shiney syndrome... so while there may be a lot on my mind the conscious for-brain may only be peripherally aware of what those things are. 

I'm fairly certain that's why I'll suddenly answer questions or make comments on conversations that are hours old... the words finally made their way from the unconscious part of my mind to the conscious part...(sad, I know. Thankfully my husband is used to this)

I refer to the voices also because I argue quite frequently with myself over what to say and what not to say while I rehearse conversations over and over - both future and past conversations (yes, little obsessive and worried about the impression I made or will make..I was brought up to always be "perfect" in public and the MS makes it quite difficult to be anywhere near "perfect" in public). I wobble and weave and fall down if I don't watch my feet closely. I stumble over my words and insert opposite words frequently..its hard to deal with crowds so its very difficult to deal with people... not the "perfect" public image :-/

In order to deal with some of the sounds in my head, I use external sounds which, unfortunately then stick and add to the inner cacophony. If I keep the sounds going, they don't resound in my head...great until I go to bed. Then the songs from the day or years ago (depending on which neurons triggered) serenade me until I finally fall asleep.

I think that's enough for the first post and to explain the odd title (at least enough to kinda say "I might not be crazy")