goodbye aunt

  My aunt died today. She'd been suffering from lung cancer which spread for yrs. The chemo had been hell on her, but the stubborn old bitch (she'd accept that happily & with a smile) held on to her freedom & control as long as she could. Growing up, she was someone I looked up to, wanted to be, & one we ALL called perhaps the most saint-like person we knew (atleast out of the family): she looked for that silver-lining in everything and everyone & she seemed to be the calmest out of the family..which for a clan of Irish/Germans, is saying a lot.

   Not saying she didn't have her faults..as I said - stubborn - we all are. She only just stopped smoking the most recent time she was rushed to the ER for liquid in the lungs & surrounding the heart. Very old school & didn't "entirely" believe smoking caused cancer, & even if it did, she'd been smoking for so long she refused to change now..blah, blah, blah (stubborn). But inside that crotchety, she-dog was a heart of gold. She would have sacrificed anything for family, neighbors, friends, or even someone she saw in need.

   Now that my aunt is gone, I'm not sure what to feel or what I'm feeling...  I'm sad. I truly am. But every time I heard about the pain the next wave of chemo caused or how long she needed to stay in the hospital from some problem, it made me feel sick...she & I were close.. I used to visit & we'd stay up late just chatting. She didn't like doctors. She was strong, independent & the thought of needing others for the little things was just as off-putting to her as it was to me. She was refusing pain meds because they made her too fuzzy to think & unfortunately, the cancer had spread to her lymph-nodes. I believe she also had the start of CHF, or maybe just pneumonia, not sure since I'm here in TX & she's back in OH. I just know the drs weren't able to do anything more for her. I think I'm...not exactly..happy...it eases something in my mind that she won't go thru the pain & suffering or the sickness anymore.
and then that makes me happy for me cuz then I don't have to feel painful emotions & suffering about her & her situation...then I feel guilty that I feel relieved I won't hear about her sufferings so I won't feel terrible & the whole thing just kinda cycles round again & I end up feeling like a terrible person

But to close my thoughts:  here's a glass of the finest (or perhaps mug, I believe she was always more fond of beer or ale)   There's another Irish lass carousing up in Heaven tonight.