life's spectator

I think I've been sliding down further and further with my ability to recall tasks and my ability to cope with simple decisions and even small crowds of unknown people.. 

The whole situation has had me really thinking about the past and how things have been pre & post Dx. I've come to the realization that my *early* years are _relatively_ clear to me..what I remember from those yrs, I remember things like how I felt, what was going on, etc.. like it was my life. Past about maybe 6th or 7th grade, until my early-mid twenties, my memories are more like a first person movie. What memories I have (and these are hard to pull up) have no real emotion attached to them. It's as if I can't see these events as things I did, or even could have done (not sure why). I know I did these things, but when I can recall them, its like watching it thru someone else's eyes as they go thru the motions of living that life...I don't get access to thoughts, feelings, emotions (even tho technically its suppose to be me)..its just a window, a viewscreen to the action. 

I know how odd and really messed up this sounds--even reading it as I type it sounds like a mental breakdown to me. even tho I'm well past the worst of it, its still hard to connect to memories as anything more than just something I'm seeing that might have been an old movie or tv show. Even some of the stuff that I firmly remember from the past as being from 'my' life, has been questioned by others and dismissed as dreams and fantasies. This makes it even harder than to recall what goes on around me and know that what I see in my mind is actually a memory of my life (especially when it doesn't have any kind of emotional attachment) or if it was something I imagined, saw on tv, etc... 

It's frustrating because on an intellectual lvl I know all of this is a vicious downward circle --I doubt, so I withdraw more, which makes me doubt my mental abilities more, which makes me panic, which makes me withdraw, and down I go...but those who were around me at the times I question are the ones telling me I'm completely wrong, but the ones I trust the most are the ones telling me I'm probably right...   

I think my sanity is safer as a spectator to my life