Everyday I sit staring at the keyboard I have set in the living room. Everyday my fingers itch and twitch to run over the keys again and make smooth, beautiful, clear music come pouring out of it like I use to so long ago. Everyday I turn away again in shame...I know its petty and stupid but I'm ashamed for myself.. I know what I used to sound like and the mess I am now is painful. I know everyone starts out from square one, but I guess I'm too proud and so far past square one in my mind that I have trouble making myself take those babysteps again with everything in my life..especially something that brought me such joy, relaxation, release..I would get so lost in the music that I would be almost blind to everything else around me.
Hubby has asked if I want him to take it away. I refused cuz I honestly really do want desperately to play again...but I guess my want has to get up past the amount of shame I feel in how terrible I sound to myself and the embarrassment I feel stumbling along like the kid at her first lessons again...and I remember those days; Mrs Climber who only let me play Edna Mae Barnum books (no idea if the spellings are right) and refused to let me try more advanced like my cousin Katie cuz I was too young. Then Mrs Baker who only let me play religious things. Then on to Jill who had gads of music at hand and was willing to share it all with me regardless the difficulty or type
Someday I'll get over myself. I'll stop remember what I had and comparing it what I don't have and instead start working on getting atleast some of it back without whining about it all =/
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