I loved the movie and the entire idea...but I didn't realize it must be my life on which the idea was loosely based..
dreams within dreams and somewhere finding the level of reality...is actually more confusing than the movie portray..its quite exhausting and frustrating as well. I start questioning what I've actually done, what was done in a dream, and what I was *really* intending to do (on my mind a lot). Its disturbing when I dream arguments that never really happened, but because I dream that I've 'woken up' my mind is unsettled and my sleep gets ruined.
It really sucks cuz the deep dreams are always graphic, weird..and just wrong. The next lvl up dreams..when I 'think' I'm awake.. aren't much better..but usually involves more arguments, bugs, laundry (piles), dishes (sink loads)..all real life crap..essentially stuff that wouldn't say "dream"..sure there is always something "off" about it, like the shape of the house, the the fact that I have multiple sinks full of dishes to clean, a terrible wardrobe, or something just as weird. Unfortunately, when I wake up in reality from a dream with a dream ...regardless that my "alarm" is a gentle song and the call of birds, it is still jarring - almost painful.
Looking in a mirror..its no wonder Matt looks at me frequently and says I look tired...why not? I might as well 'look' how I feel.. 'sides I spend days after days in each layer of my dream in addition to the hrs in real life. Too many times, I'm ready to go to bed shortly after I've left it =(
Friday, October 3, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
leave my head alone
The past few weeks have been... interesting... headaches will not stop plaguing me. but they aren't always the same type or intensity of headaches. Sometimes they are the ones I've so, lovingly called "ice cream" headaches. They feel like I just ate a ton of ice cream really fast (as the name suggests). Unfortunately, they aren't affected by any of the normal 'tricks' that usually help when cold items are eaten too quickly..e.g warming the roof of the mouth w/ tongue or drinking warm beverages. Then I have the ones that try to crunch my entire head inwards...like its trapped in a vice. A newer headache-ie "joy" is the feeling that something is searing the tissues of various areas of my sinus cavities...usually it will burn terribly for several minutes, then end with an overall headache that just is pressure forcing outward from everywhere...the area that burned will ache for quite awhile.
The latest, and maybe most worrisome..depending on what's causing it...is that I've been feeling the weirdness that was normally caused by a lack of meds. There have been a few times when things when completely FUBAR with one of my pharmacies or I miscalculated and ran out before a refill or new script was written. The only way I can think to describe it is sorta like the feeling one gets when going over a bump too fast..that belly flip..the stomach dropping out when going down a roller coaster..Only, I feel that in my head. When I was off the the meds, the flip flop feeling in my mind was constant. Right now...it comes and goes. I've checked my pill containers to make sure they have all the right meds. Matt has double checked them. I'm at a loss as to why I'm feeling things I'm not supposed to feel unless my meds are out.
I have an appointment tomorrow. Maybe my neuro will have some ideas..
The latest, and maybe most worrisome..depending on what's causing it...is that I've been feeling the weirdness that was normally caused by a lack of meds. There have been a few times when things when completely FUBAR with one of my pharmacies or I miscalculated and ran out before a refill or new script was written. The only way I can think to describe it is sorta like the feeling one gets when going over a bump too fast..that belly flip..the stomach dropping out when going down a roller coaster..Only, I feel that in my head. When I was off the the meds, the flip flop feeling in my mind was constant. Right now...it comes and goes. I've checked my pill containers to make sure they have all the right meds. Matt has double checked them. I'm at a loss as to why I'm feeling things I'm not supposed to feel unless my meds are out.
I have an appointment tomorrow. Maybe my neuro will have some ideas..
Thursday, August 14, 2014
How does your brain work?!?!?
The other day, I had Chinese..and of course..the obligatory
fortune cookie. It said something about
being patient cuz an even an egg will eventually walk (or something along those
lines). I laughed, cuz patience isn’t my strong suit. Matt focused on the fact
that eggs will never walk. I
immediately replied “Sheldon did” (remembering the character from the Garfield
& Friends cartoon from 1980s or early 1990s). <pause> <pause> “How does your brain work?!?!?”
obviously my statement was random enough that it took him a moment to figure
out who I might have been talking about =)
I honestly feel sorry for hubby cuz that type of shit
happens a lot where I’ll remember something so random, but half the time I flub
things like names of relatives, or even the names of my pets. At times, it
almost seems like the stuff from the past really wasn’t all that long ago…idk.
I would almost say it felt like I had Alzheimer’s instead of MS.. I know I don’t,
but with the way the present would slip away and the past would sneak back up,
but its only certain parts of now…and certain parts of then, usually with some
sort of trigger.
The worst part is that I can’t control what will be a
trigger or what it will call forth from my mind. I haven’t thought of that
Garfield cartoon in ages and specifically that character…he wasn’t even a main
character. I don’t like that my brain does this…some things will just be one
memory, but others will cascade into an entire grouping of memory after memory
after memory. Like everyone else, I’ve had my ups and downs thru life but there
have also been those parts I’d like to keep in the past. Being reminded anew of
something of things I’d essentially ‘forgotten’ or stopped acknowledging even
semi-regularly cuz it didn’t have any bearing on my quality of life essentially
tore old wounds open anew (even if I didn’t want it to)
I was contacted by an old ex from almost two decades. He
wanted forgiveness for essentially running out on me, leaving me looking like a
piranha, pariah, leech, bitch and many other unpleasant terms while he was
trying to be the innocent boy I took advantage of. His ‘demons’ had been
bothering him, so he wanted to apologize.
When he left, I was left with the mess of a life and poor reputation he left me in to deal with and clean up, while he just walked away. 17
years later, I have a fabulous girl and all the things that occurred back then
tucked into the past where it belongs. Now, memories of things that were said
and stuff people did come floating back at random times and knock me off
balance cuz I thought I had completely forgotten it & gotten past all of
it, but I’m finding that some of it still stings like it just happened. He
wanted forgiveness, but I realized I couldn’t give it…I was/am honestly upset
at him for coming back and reawakening things just to lay his demons to rest. At this point, I have trouble seeing repentance,
and just seeing selfishness. If I’m wrong, then I’m wrong..for now I’m back to
trying to figure out how to un-trigger unwanted memories
Sunday, July 27, 2014
A dog's life
I never thought my dog would be having trouble with the stairs before me...
Yeah...I've lived with animals all my life, I realize they age faster, don't have as long of life spans and all the other BS people usually bring up at a time like this (including the fact that her muzzle is almost completely grey) but still, she runs around the house like a puppy so much of the time that its easy to forget that she's 10 or so (rescue, so we don't actually know the age..or the med back ground) and she's been such a solid rock for me...cuddling when I feel icky, staying with me when I don't feel like getting out of bed...all to the point where she'll just sit on the couch with a paw on my arm while we watch tv...nothing else, so long as there's the little contact sometimes.
Now, both hubby and I have watched multiple times when she has started to run up the stairs to the back door, and slipped-slamming her muzzle into the stairs above. She bounces right back up like nothing occurred, but we (I) think she may have knocked some of her lower front teeth loose. A) her eating habits have changed, and B) I found they were loose when I noticed grabbing for one of her bones made her wince and slamming (repeatedly) into the steps, like we've unfortunately seen, is all I can think of for the cause... I feel terrible cuz I never really thought much of it cuz of how quickly she bounced up and continued up the stairs. But she never was one to overtly show what was bothering her. (e.g. there wasn't enough water in her bowel, so she wouldn't eat or drink, but instead stare at the door until water was poured, also wouldn't go out if the door was opened--that one took a bit to figure out). Hubby says she plays these games with me cuz I allow her and spoil her..and he's probably right. But I figure she put up with me all day babbling to her, she deserves something for it ^_^
Back to the original point...Hubby had hesitated briefly buying this house cuz of the stairs getting to the backyard and my ability to deal with stairs now and in the upcoming yrs. I can atleast hold on the railings...puppy dog should be more steady with her 4 feet, but if they're slipping out from under her even worse than mine...well..it just really brings home how old she's getting, whether or not she's bouncing right back up...Last night, Hubby even brought up the possibility of a ramp for the dog to aide getting up and down the stairs...don't know if it was serious or in jest...but I hate the idea of my dog getting old and needing stuff like that even before me..the one with a disorder that tends to lead to "home improvements" like ramps, etc
Gah...this probably sounds completely unreasonable, and weird...I think it goes back to the idea of "I'd rather it were me". I can't stand to see her suffer even a bad nail cut, plus how do you explain this kind of stuff to your best canine friend?
Yeah...I've lived with animals all my life, I realize they age faster, don't have as long of life spans and all the other BS people usually bring up at a time like this (including the fact that her muzzle is almost completely grey) but still, she runs around the house like a puppy so much of the time that its easy to forget that she's 10 or so (rescue, so we don't actually know the age..or the med back ground) and she's been such a solid rock for me...cuddling when I feel icky, staying with me when I don't feel like getting out of bed...all to the point where she'll just sit on the couch with a paw on my arm while we watch tv...nothing else, so long as there's the little contact sometimes.
Now, both hubby and I have watched multiple times when she has started to run up the stairs to the back door, and slipped-slamming her muzzle into the stairs above. She bounces right back up like nothing occurred, but we (I) think she may have knocked some of her lower front teeth loose. A) her eating habits have changed, and B) I found they were loose when I noticed grabbing for one of her bones made her wince and slamming (repeatedly) into the steps, like we've unfortunately seen, is all I can think of for the cause... I feel terrible cuz I never really thought much of it cuz of how quickly she bounced up and continued up the stairs. But she never was one to overtly show what was bothering her. (e.g. there wasn't enough water in her bowel, so she wouldn't eat or drink, but instead stare at the door until water was poured, also wouldn't go out if the door was opened--that one took a bit to figure out). Hubby says she plays these games with me cuz I allow her and spoil her..and he's probably right. But I figure she put up with me all day babbling to her, she deserves something for it ^_^
Back to the original point...Hubby had hesitated briefly buying this house cuz of the stairs getting to the backyard and my ability to deal with stairs now and in the upcoming yrs. I can atleast hold on the railings...puppy dog should be more steady with her 4 feet, but if they're slipping out from under her even worse than mine...well..it just really brings home how old she's getting, whether or not she's bouncing right back up...Last night, Hubby even brought up the possibility of a ramp for the dog to aide getting up and down the stairs...don't know if it was serious or in jest...but I hate the idea of my dog getting old and needing stuff like that even before me..the one with a disorder that tends to lead to "home improvements" like ramps, etc
Gah...this probably sounds completely unreasonable, and weird...I think it goes back to the idea of "I'd rather it were me". I can't stand to see her suffer even a bad nail cut, plus how do you explain this kind of stuff to your best canine friend?
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
So many holes
I recently met with a nurse practitioner for an expected Dx of a sinus infection--get them all the time, if I had a degree, I could be diagnosing myself, but..oh well. The shocker came when she looked in my one ear and told me I had a huge hole worn away in my ear drum. Now, to explain, I have a 'permanent' tube in that ear. Tho technically, by 'permanent', the dr really means that he hopes it stays in for about 5 yrs. atleast. Its anchored into bone instead of the typical-- just set into the tympanic membrane..but its still expected to be 'grown out of' (or something like that). I've had it since 2006...so well past the expected/hoped for 5 yrs. I can only assume the movement of the tube has something to do with the hole in my eardrum...I'm not sure since I haven't been to an ENT yet.
At this point I don't know if this new dr will want to simply remove the tube (the surgeon was from OH who put it in originally). It was placed to equalize pressure between the middle and outer ear more than for drainage so I don't know what he'll advise. Oh well..I'm just tired of having soo many extra holes in my head :-/
At this point I don't know if this new dr will want to simply remove the tube (the surgeon was from OH who put it in originally). It was placed to equalize pressure between the middle and outer ear more than for drainage so I don't know what he'll advise. Oh well..I'm just tired of having soo many extra holes in my head :-/
Monday, April 7, 2014
Stress, stress, and more stress
Stress just keeps coming and I'm learning that my abilities to withstand it are decaying...fast; perhaps faster than I can shore them up. Now my mom wants me up in NY for a wk (atleast) around July 4th for a relatively big extended family reunion (reunion on 4th, stay w/ immediate family before & after).
Love my family. But, getting up there from TX means a many hr flight with at least one, usually two connections depending on which airport I fly in to and then a couple hour drive to the small town where they live or walking across a tarmac and climbing into a smaller plane (which I'm fine with-the plane, not the stairs or the walking right now) if I fly into the closer airport. Honestly the entire idea of going to an airport alone (cuz hubby needs to work) and dealing with getting my walker thru security, shoes on and off, even if I don't have a carry on (which would mean either spending money at the airport or hrs of boring flight) & I don't do well in crowds.
In addition..my family doesn't get that here..at home, for the most part I haven't really been more than maybe 20 feet away from Hubby or my puppy dog, Ebony unless I'm at the drs. for the last yr. Ebby actually gets very anxious when I'm not home. When I go take a shower, she'll wait in the bedroom for me to emerge even if hubby is sitting in the living rm. So in addition to the absence being hard on me..I think it would be stressful on her as well, and she's not the young puppy I like pretending she is
Now, I have the MAJOR stress of telling my mom I'm not coming up this yr and trying to get her to believe the reasons.. blech
Love my family. But, getting up there from TX means a many hr flight with at least one, usually two connections depending on which airport I fly in to and then a couple hour drive to the small town where they live or walking across a tarmac and climbing into a smaller plane (which I'm fine with-the plane, not the stairs or the walking right now) if I fly into the closer airport. Honestly the entire idea of going to an airport alone (cuz hubby needs to work) and dealing with getting my walker thru security, shoes on and off, even if I don't have a carry on (which would mean either spending money at the airport or hrs of boring flight) & I don't do well in crowds.
In addition..my family doesn't get that here..at home, for the most part I haven't really been more than maybe 20 feet away from Hubby or my puppy dog, Ebony unless I'm at the drs. for the last yr. Ebby actually gets very anxious when I'm not home. When I go take a shower, she'll wait in the bedroom for me to emerge even if hubby is sitting in the living rm. So in addition to the absence being hard on me..I think it would be stressful on her as well, and she's not the young puppy I like pretending she is
Now, I have the MAJOR stress of telling my mom I'm not coming up this yr and trying to get her to believe the reasons.. blech
Thursday, March 20, 2014
puppy-like excitement
I think Ebony actually got to watch a squirrel and some birds from a relatively up-close position for the first time today. We've always had 'wildlife' in the area back in Ohio, but when she'd run out to see it, she's (of course) scare it all away. Today, she was sitting on an air mattress looking out of the one closed window and a squirrel came to rest on the lowest branches of a tree that was right outside. She couldn't take her eyes off of it once she'd come running to get me and I came back to sit with her. Then she noticed a bunch of cardinals (I think..I don't know my birds very well) hopping around in the bush right against the right side of the window. She was once again entranced by their movements...darting her head to match their jumps...With the window closed, the birds and squirrel had no idea she was watching them so she could watch to her hearts content. Her excitement over seeing them was SO cute...if I left to sit in the living room, she'd come running back out 10-15 min later with this eager look and urge me back to the window and if I looked in whatever direction she'd stare..I'd usually see a new critter or something.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)